


Rebound Rivalry

by mtjester



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-16
Updated: 2013-05-24
Packaged: 2017-12-12 01:48:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/805733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtjester/pseuds/mtjester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As he stared at Tavros, John could feel a connection snapping into place in his mind.  He knew that there was supposed to be a definite difference between the platonic hate humans knew and the romantic hate Tavros felt as a troll, but it was hard for him to imagine the trolls' point of view. No matter how many times and ways people tried to explain romantic hate to him, he couldn't understand the real significance of those emotions.  But he saw it now, on Tavros’s face.  That was it.  That was the attachment Karkat was talking about. Not love, but not completely unlike love, either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome to Earth, asshole

**Author's Note:**

> There's just not enough JohnTav in the world, so I'm working to fix that problem. Sexual content in later chapters.

“Okay, everyone, we’re out of time, so pick up your stuff and beat it,” the grad assistant said, and there were a few minutes of general ruckus as the students put away their lab equipment and packed their bags.  John sighed and stared down at the equations he still needed to solve.  It seemed like an awful lot of work for a core class, but if he ever wanted to become a meteorologist, he needed to push through it.  Not that he actually wanted to become a meteorologist all that much, but he had begrudgingly accepted that he didn’t have much marketable talent in television and comedy long before he came to college.

He put up his equipment and returned to his station to gather his things.  After shoving his papers into his bag, he turned to pick up the prim hat his father had given him when he graduated high school. He wasn't much of a hat person, but now that he was an adult, he decided it was his duty to take up the heavy responsibility of dressing dapper, at least from the neck up. Young men need to ease into their future fatherly wardrobes, and donning the hat alone was enough to make his father proud. After a second of lazy searching, he was puzzled to discover his manly headwear was not where he thought it'd be.  He glanced around and saw it laying a good ways down the table.  Grimacing, he got up to nab it before someone crushed it. As per fatherly wisdom, there is little worse than a rumpled hat.

“Uh, excuse me, but...what are you doing with my hat?” someone asked as he picked it up.  John turned.  It was one of the few trolls enrolled in the university, but not one John had ever met before, which was strange.  He had been dating a troll for a couple months and felt as though he was in with the troll crowd.  He would have recognized this new troll if he had ever met him; the troll was just barely taller than John, slight of frame but with the biggest pair of horns John had ever seen.  Despite his imposing horns, his stance and body language suggested a lifetime of chronic timidity, and his eyes looked friendly and naive.  His face now displayed slight concern, and he was looking at John with a muted expression, his eyes flickering from John’s face to the hat in his hands.

“No, dude, I think you’re confusing this hat for another hat.  This is mine,” John said.  The troll frowned.

“No,” he said, “you’re wrong, because that is definitely my hat, which I brought with me from Alternia...a good friend gave it to me when we were younger and less, uh, distant from each other.”

“Sorry, don’t know what to tell you about that, since this hat is mine and not yours.”

“No, it’s not yours, it’s mine, which is what I’m trying to say to you.”

“Oh, come on, like two guys in the same class would both have a sweet hat like this one.  Only really awesome dudes with cool dads that have supreme fatherly tastes would have a hat like this, and since you’re a troll and trolls don’t have dads, it’s clearly mine.”

“Wow, that’s some awful logic that, uh, sounds like an excuse to get your dirty human hands all over something that humans don’t make as well as trolls do, like hats and, um, basically everything else.”

“Hey, are you trying to say I’m a thief?”

“That’s what a person is generally called when they take things that aren’t something that actually belongs to them.” 

“Then I’m not a thief, since this is something that actually belongs to me.”

“No, it doesn’t.  It’s mine, and I want it back.”

“What are you going to do, beat me up for it?”

The troll hesitated. “Uh...no, preferably not," he said, "but, uh...I guess I’m going to do what I have to do in order to recover my stolen item, which is precious to me for emotional reasons your puny human emotion center wouldn’t understand.  So unless you want a fight, I guess, you’d better think about returning it...so that’s what I would recommend you do.” Even as he was spewing out that line of bravado, his body grew more tense, and John could sense his apprehension. He clearly did not want to fight at all, but he was still defiant in a dorky, lame way that made John want to laugh a little bit. John bit down a snort and tried not to smile.

“I got a better idea," he said.

“You do?”

“Yep.  Here’s what we’ll do: I’m going to turn around and walk away." He spun on his heels and walked over to his bag.

“You can’t just do that!” the troll said, following him with that dorky defiance plastered all over his face. 

“Looks like I just did,” John said with a shrug.  “You should get out of here before you start to make a scene.  You know the policy for troll fights.”

The troll scowled, but his eyebrows drew in with poorly concealed concern.  “What, uh, policy is that?”

“Oh, so you must be a new troll.  Is this your first semester, then?” John asked.

“Stop patronizing me with your silly human avoidance of the issue that we were just talking about, which you obviously brought up for the purpose of threatening me in some way.”

“I don’t know what being a human has to do with that, but whatever you say," John said. The troll's weird speech patterns were beginning to grow on him, and it was getting much harder not to smile at his expense.  Smiling too much would give away the game he was about to play. He made a show of looking through his bag, trying to appear casual. "I guess if you’re new you should probably know about the policy.  Good thing there’s a rad guy like me that knows about troll stuff hanging around to teach you.”

“Okay, whatever, just tell me about the policy.  And, just for the record, you’re not a rad guy at all, and you’re probably the most awful human I’ve met so far.”

“No way, dude, I’m the best human when it comes to troll stuff.  It’s just you’re new and you haven’t figured that out yet.”

“Okay. I don’t believe you at all, but okay.  But the policy...”

“The policy is that if a troll gets into a fight with a human, they’re immediately deported back to Alternia.  So unless you want to get expelled the first week of your first semester, I’d suggest you not get into a fight with a human.”

John watched the troll out of the corner of his eye, suppressing his traitorous smile as the troll grew flustered.  “That—I don’t believe you about that either, since I never heard anything about a policy like that, and that’s definitely something they would have told me about at the orientation—“

“Don’t blame the messenger for a crappy orientation!  I mean, come on, is it that hard to believe?  Trolls are way dangerous and have all sorts of weird powers.  How could we let them onto our kickass planet without some precautions?  We’d end up just like the rest of the galaxy, kissing the troll queen’s gross aquatic feet!”

“She’s an empress, you ignoramus, and also I don’t know about all of that, but what I do know is that you’ve taken something really important from me, and I want it back.”

“Them’s the breaks,” John said, and to his surprise, the troll started, his eyes growing larger as though John had just said something offensive.  Growing uncomfortable with the look the troll was giving him, John continued, “Look, man, unless you can prove without a shadow of a doubt that this awesome hat is yours, you’re out of luck.  So clear out.”

The troll looked as though he was going to argue, but after opening and closing his mouth a few times, he grimaced and slunk away.  John watched him throw his stuff into his bag and hurry from the room.

“What a tool,” he murmured to himself. snickering at his own wit.  He wasn’t the kind of guy to let some naive alien trick him out of his dad's old hat.  He picked up his bag, and as he turned towards the exit, something white on the floor caught his eye. It was a hat. A very familiar looking hat, which upon closer inspection bore all the marks John had come to recognize. Which meant...  “...Oops.”


	2. The past never stays in the past

“So basically what you did was shit on a new guy and then steal his prized possession,” Dave said.

“Oh man, don’t put it like that!  I seriously feel really bad about it now,” John groaned, pushing his potatoes around with his fork.  They were at their usual table in the dining hall, and the usual gang was present except for Gamzee, who always took a long time to get anywhere.  Kanaya was the only one who seemed at all sympathetic for the poor troll John had accidently screwed over.  Rose was at least trying to mask her amusement, but the rest of them were either openly amused or indifferent to the situation.

“Don’t worry about it,” Vriska said, putting her arm around John and toying with his hair.  “It sounds like the guy was asking for it anyway.  What an idiot!”

“In any case, you gave him a wonderful introduction to human culture and etiquette,” Rose added.

“The moron’s probably going to hate humans now,” Karkat said.  “He’s probably already on a ship back to Alternia.  Way to be a complete and total jerk, Egbert, maybe next time you could try to do a better job at representing your own species.”

“I didn’t mean to!” John moaned, dropping his head onto his arm.

“Don’t worry, John!” Jade said, leaning across the table to pat his head.  “You’ll see him the next time you have class together, so you’ll be able to return it.  It’s not the end of the world.”

“I think he should keep it,” Terezi said.  “He won it fair and square, after all.”

“I didn’t _win_ it,” John said, grumbling.  “I just tricked him.”

“Exactly!” Vriska said.  “You told him off, and he relented!  He basically gave it to you.”

“Yeah, but...he said it was important to him!”

“Can’t have been that important,” Terezi said, shrugging and losing interest in the conversation.  She scanned the dining hall, sniffing the groups of people walking in and out with their food.  “Where the hell is Gamzee?”

“He probably got lost in the quad again,” Karkat said.  “We’ve been here for two fucking years and the clueless asshole still can’t navigate a straight path between a clump of trees to save his goddamn life.”

“It’s probably because he has such a shitty roommate.  I mean, I had an awesome roommate, and I turned out fine,” Dave commented.

“How is that at all my responsibility?” Karkat said.  “You try and teach that heinous waste of air how to go any farther than the student center and see how high and mighty you talk after that!”

“Nah.”

“There he is,” Terezi said, “fifteen minutes late _as usual_.”

“Who’s that with him?” Jade asked, and they all turned to look.

“It’s that guy!” John said with a gasp, sitting upright, but before he could say anything else, Vriska was on her feet, standing next to him.  He looked up at her and was surprised to see her brow pulled down in a scowl.

“Well, well, well,” she sneered, locking eyes with the new troll, who immediately stopped walking.  “If it isn’t Toreasnooze!  Funny finding you off Alternia.”

“Shit,” Terezi said under her breath.  Everyone glanced at her and then back at Vriska, whose derisive smirk didn’t cover her hostility.

“Hey, Terezi, what’s the deal?” Dave asked.

“The deal is,” Vriska said, “that this troll is a good _friend_ of ours from back on Alternia.  Isn’t that right, Tavros?”

“What the motherfuck, you know these wicked sisters?” Gamzee asked, turning to Tavros, who was looking incredibly uncomfortable.

“Uhh...yeah, I do, I guess, but, uh...”

“Well, if that ain’t a motherfucking miracle, then I don’t know what the fuck a miracle is,” Gamzee said with a laugh.  “I was all gonna be about introducing you at these bitches, but since you already know them, I guess I don’t got to be getting my worry on about making you all comfortable!”

“Gamzee, you stupid fuck!” Terezi said, standing up and yanking him away.  Tavros watched them as she whispered to him in a corner, purposely avoiding Vriska’s eyes.

“So...who is this?” John asked, looking between Tavros and Vriska.  Tavros’s eyes shot to him and narrowed with recognition, but everyone else looked at Vriska.

“This,” Vriska said, “is my ex, John.  You know, the one who broke it off with me because he was too much of a cluckbeast to leave Alternia?”

“ _This guy_ is your ex?” John asked.  “I thought...but your ex was supposed to be like...like not this guy!”

“It’s funny, though,” Vriska continued, ignoring John, “that someone so keen to stay on Alternia would be here, attending a human university.  What’s the deal, Tavros?”

Tavros shifted uncomfortably, biting his lip as he fought to avoid eye contact.  “I, uh...”

“ _Well?_ ”

“Vriska,” Kanaya interrupted, “you’re making him uncomfortable.  Perhaps we should let him sit and he can speak more freely?”

“ _He should answer the question_.”

Tavros inhaled, glancing at Vriska before reaching down and lifting a pant leg.  The hem rose to reveal a robotic ankle.  “I have a friend here,” he explained, “and she has a friend who, uh, does this sort of stuff, with robotics, and she offered to help me get him to make me these legs so that I can walk again, is why I’m here.  I, uh...I didn’t know that this university was the university that you were going to come to, so...”

“Oh, so if you had known I was here, you wouldn’t have come?” Vriska asked, rounding the table.  “You’re avoiding me, is that what you’re saying?  And here I was, thinking you were just afraid of leaving Alternia.  But that wasn’t it, was it?”

“Uh, well...” he said, stammering and taking a step back as she stopped in front of him.

“What are you so afraid of, Toreasnob?” she sneered, poking him in the chest.  “It’s been two years since you’ve seen me.  You haven’t even tried to contact me!”

“Well, that’s, um, because...”

“Do you think I’m an idiot?”

“No...”

“Good!  Because I’m not.  You know, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out when someone’s throwing in the towel.  It was pretty obvious to me you were done with our silly, one-sided relationship when I started doing all the work.  I just hoped you be more of a troll about it!”

She paused for a moment, staring at him hard in the eyes and waiting for him to reply, but he just shrugged.

“That’s exactly what I’d expect from you,” she said.  Turning to John, she pointed over her shoulder at Tavros, who stared at his feet.  “Can you believe this guy?” she said.  “I offered to find him safe passage to Earth so he could study something somewhere docile and stop being such a useless sack of shit, _knowing_ he’d get his crippled ass culled the second he came of age if someone didn’t do _something_ , and how does he repay me?  First, he refuses to come and completely stops talking to me, and then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, he comes anyway and seems surprised to find me here!  I have done nothing but help this guy and all he does is shit on my help.”

“That’s not true and you know it,” Terezi said, whacking Vriska in the thigh with her walking cane.  Gamzee put his arm around Tavros and murmured something in his ear, looking apologetic.

“Butt out, Pyrope,” Vriska snapped, rubbing the assaulted appendage.

“Go sit down,” Terezi said, whacking her again.

Vriska scowled but went to sit, throwing Tavros a dark look over her shoulder.  Gamzee moved to steer Tavros away as well, but as he was turning, John waved and called, “Hey, uh, Tavros!”  He blinked as everyone turned to look at him and, hesitating, finished, “I have your hat.”

“Yeah, what’s up with the stupid hat?” Vriska asked.

Tavros looked taken aback, and, almost as hesitantly as John, he responded, “It was Aradia’s,” and to John, “Maybe...give it to me in class, if that’s okay.”

The table was silent as Vriska and Terezi sat down and then for a couple minutes more.  Finally, Dave broke the silence. “So is no one going to explain what that was about, or are we going to pretend that this is something that happens on a regular basis?”

“I thought it was pretty clear what it was about,” Vriska said.

“I’m with Dave on this,” John said.  “I wanna know what all that was.”

Vriska sighed.  “It’s like I said, John.  He was my ex, and he sucked.”

“We used to flarp together,” Terezi explained.  “The two of us against him and his partner.  _Late_ partner,” she added, clearly towards Vriska.

“What the hell is flarp?” Dave asked.

“Roleplaying,” Kanaya said.  “Of a very dangerous variety.”

“He sucked at it.  He sucked at _everything_.  I don’t even know why I bothered with him,” Vriska said with a huff.

“He didn’t seem that bad!” Jade said, looking over her shoulder in the direction Gamzee had led Tavros.  She could see Gamzee’s crazy hair poking out from behind a large brick column on the other side of the dining hall.

“Yeah, and if he sucked that much, why’d you keep bringing him up when we first started dating?” John asked. 

“Don’t worry about it, John,” Vriska said.  “And stop being so jealous.”

“I’m not being jealous!”

“John, if you can’t handle dating an empath, you shouldn’t date empaths.”

“No way, I’m definitely not jealous of that guy.  He’s so...he’s such a _weenie_!”

“That’s what I’ve been saying!  He’s always been that way, too.  Even when we were flarping together.  He relied on his teammate to bail him out of tough situations all the time.”

“Speaking of his teammate,” Terezi inserted, “you should probably get that hat back to him, John.”

“You were telling him to keep it earlier,” Kanaya said.

“It’s different if it’s from Aradia.”

“Who’s Aradia?” John asked.

“Tavros’s _late_ teammate,” Terezi responded, shooting another look at Vriska.

“Why do you keep saying it like that?” Dave asked.  “It sounds like we’re in some sort of cliché murder mystery about a family member who tragically died in a suspicious accident and you’re trying to pressure the truth out of a suspect that wiggled out of a conviction.”

“That’s exactly what I’m doing, Dave,” Terezi said, “except that everyone knows that the suspect is actually guilty, and the only reason she got out free was because the justice system on Alternia is not as thorough as Earth’s.”

“How many times do I have to apologize for that?” Vriska asked, rolling her good eye.

“Just for the record, by ‘not as thorough,’ do you mean completely indifferent to indiscriminate murder?” Dave asked.

“That’s what she means,” Karkat answered.

“Wait, so...you killed his teammate?” John asked.

“We’ve been over this, John,” Vriska said, groaning.  “I’ve done some stuff I’m not proud of!  Can we not talk about it?”

“She also paralyzed him,” Terezi said.  “Tavros, I mean.”

“That’s why his legs are robotic?” Jade asked.

“I was six sweeps old!  Can you really blame me for what I did when I was a stupid adolescent?”

“Yes,” Karkat said.

“I can’t imagine why he would want to break up with you,” Rose commented.

“No fucking kidding,” Karkat said.  “You throw a guy off a cliff, kill his matesprit, coerce him into the shittiest relationship known to trollkind, and then bitch that he didn’t feel like hopping planets with you in the wheeled device _you_ chained him to like you’re fucking surprised he got sick of your shit.”

“Whoa, this is sort of sounding kind of psychotic,” John said, glancing at Vriska.

“Don’t worry about it, John!” she snapped.  Turning to Karkat, she added, “And you, what do you know?  You didn’t even know us before we came to Earth, so stop adding your pointless commentary!”

“I’ve heard enough,” he replied.

“Yeah, this story is old news for me, too,” Dave said.  “I don’t know, though, I sort of pictured the guy shorter and way more shrimpy.  What about you?”

“Why’s that even fucking matter?” Karkat said.

“Pyrope...” Vriska growled, glaring at Terezi.

“So I did a little gossiping,” she said with a shrug.

“Okay, well, maybe Vriska’s right and we should stop talking about this,” John said, running a hand through his hair.  “It’s probably a bad eating topic.”

“I’m with Egbert,” Dave said, nodding.

“I could stand to hear more,” Rose started, but after a look from both Jade and Kanaya, she conceded, “but it can wait.”

“Humans have such weak stomachs,” Terezi said.

“Or maybe you’re just too morbid for your own good,” Dave said.

“Okay, okay, how about we just talk about the weather instead?” Jade interrupted quickly.  “It sure is nice today, isn’t it, John?  Are you going to ride your bike?”

“Yeah, I think I will,” he said, but his mind was preoccupied with the troll on the other side of the dining hall.


	3. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer

“Hey,” John said, sliding into the seat next to Tavros and dumping his stuff onto the lab table.  “Looks like you and me are going to be lab partners today!”

“What?” Tavros asked, leaning away from him.  “No, I already have a lab partner, and even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t want to be yours.”

“Don’t worry about your other partner, it’s cool.  We talked.”

“Talked about what?  And don’t you have your own partner?”

“Dude, don’t worry about it.  I’m your new partner now.”

“No, no, I’d really just prefer if my old lab partner were still my lab partner now, and not you.”

“Why?  I won’t bite, I promise.”

“Because I hate you and don’t want to get involved with any part of your life, not even the little bits of air that you breathe, that’s why, so, uh...go away.”

“Oh, c’mon!  There’s no need to be so unfriendly.”

“Yes, there is, and you know there is, so don’t pretend like you don’t. So go away.”

“Nope, you’re stuck with me now.  And anyway, don’t you want your sweet hat back?  It was your friend’s, right?”

Tavros stiffened and his eyes narrowed.  He examined John’s face for a minute, and John did his best to appear open and unassuming while he sized him up.  “What do you want, exactly?  Because I don’t think you would be bothering me if you didn’t want something, considering, um, who you know, and the fact that you’re a jerk.”

“Hey, I’m not a jerk!  Like I said, I’m actually a pretty cool guy if you give me a chance.”

“I don’t want to give you a chance.  I can tell that you’re trying to get something from me, and I don’t want to be a part of whatever you think it is you’re going to get me to do or say.”

“No, seriously, I’m trying to extend an olive branch here!  An apology for my really shitty greeting the other day and, well, I guess an apology for what happened at lunch, too.”  He smiled in the most disarming way he could muster. 

“...Okay,” Tavros said, “thanks, I guess, and, uh, maybe I’ll think about accepting that apology someday...that is, not right now, because I still don’t like you.  And, because I don’t like you still, if you’re done trying to be nice to make up for your previous meanness, and the meanness of, uh, other people—which, by the way, I’m used to, so you don’t need to apologize for—then you can go.”

Tavros glared at him for a moment before turning to prepare his equipment, and John, grimacing, realized that being friendly wasn’t going to do him any good.  He sighed.  “Okay, you caught me.  I actually want to talk to you about Vriska.”

Tavros bristled and said, “Okay, if you think you’re going to make me jealous or rub it in my face that you’re dating my ex-matesprit, who made me sound like a huge idiot, which I’m not, by the way—an idiot, I mean—then you’ve already failed, figuratively speaking, because it won’t work.  I broke up with her, and I had a good reason to do that, and I won’t regret it just because she’s dating someone else, so keep your arrogant gloating to yourself, you ass.”

“Whoa, whoa, that’s not what I was going to do at all!” John exclaimed, holding his hands up.  “I was going to ask you honest stuff about her.  Like, bro to bro stuff.”

Tavros paused and assessed his honesty for a moment, glowering at him.  “That’s rude, you know,” he finally said. 

“What is?”

“Asking someone about their ex when you’re dating them.  It’s like, um, asking a moirail about their matesprit who’s also your kismesis.  You don’t do it, because it’s rude and makes relationships complicated.  For someone who says you know a lot of stuff about trolls, you’re really stupid.”

“Look,” John said, his patience rubbing thin, “I _know_ it’s rude, and it’s rude for humans, too, not just trolls.  But I’m asking anyway, because there are a couple things about trolls that I don’t get, and I need to know if Vriska’s normal for a troll.”

“What do you mean, normal for a troll?”

“Like, you know... _normal_.”  When Tavros still failed to register his point, he sighed and explained, “Okay, so humans and trolls are different.  You might not know much about humans since you just got here, but—“

“I didn’t _just_ get here,” Tavros interrupted.  “I’ve been on Earth for a couple months now, actually, which is something that should be put on the table right away, before you make any other assumptions about me.  I just haven’t enrolled into the university until now, because _obviously_ it wouldn’t make sense for me to get my legs replaced with robotic legs and then attend classes immediately.  I would still be healing and, uh, trying to understand how to move properly and navigate the harder urban obstacles, like stairs and things like that.  Also, for your information, I know a lot about humans.  Only someone incredibly stupid would come to entirely new planet with beings that are, um, completely different in a lot of different ways, and not be smart enough to study the native creatures in detail.”

“ _Okaaaaaaaay_ , jeez,” John said with a groan.  “I get it!  You’re really well prepared and know a lot of stuff.  But the point is—man, I don’t even remember what we were talking about anymore!”

“Good, because we have a lab to do, and we need to do it.  I have to get good grades so I can become a veterinarian.”

“You’re trying to be a vet?” John asked, failing to mask the incredulity in his voice.

“Yes.  Why?”  Tavros asked.

“Well, I mean...that’s a tough field to get into.”

“So?”

“So, well...”

“I can do it, if you’re thinking I can’t.  I’m very good with animals,” Tavros said.  “But...these core classes can be sort of tough, especially things like chemistry and physics, which I don’t understand so easily, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to start on the lab.”

“Fine, we can start it,” John said.  “But we’re continuing this discussion when you come to my place to work on the lab report tonight.”

Tavros shot him a look.  “Why would I—when was that a thing that was decided we would do?”

“When I still had your dead first girlfriend’s memorial hat!” John replied waspishly.

“...Fine.”


	4. A ride to remember

“So, uh, you don’t live in the dorms?”

“Definitely not.  Dorms are for freshmen!”

John led the way up the stairs to the top of the parking garage.  They emerged from the stairwell onto a flat island of concrete, beyond which the campus sprawled.  The garage was just barely taller than the canopies of the trees surrounding it, and the sky gaped above them, growing hazy with dusk.

John led Tavros to the far corner of the garage, away from the campus, where he had parked his blue motorcycle.  “Is this yours?” Tavros asked. 

“It sure is!  She’s a beauty, isn’t she?” John said, getting out his helmet.  He looked down at it and up at Tavros, frowning.  “I doubt my spare helmet’s going to work much for you, though.  No offense, but your horns are massive.”

“Wait, so...we’re both going to ride it, at the same time?” Tavros asked, looking suddenly uncomfortable.  He looked from the bike to John, making a sweeping appraisal of John’s physique with an air of shyness that John hadn’t noticed since Tavros had first approached him about the hat.

“Yeah, unless you’d rather walk, but I should tell you that it’s at least several miles away.”

“Uh, no, I wasn’t saying that was an option I’d rather take, but, uh, just that...isn’t that weird?”

“Only if you make it weird!  You’re not going to make it weird, are you?”

“Uh, no, I won’t make it weird...”

“Okay then, looks like we got that cleared up,” John said, laughing.  “See, that wasn’t so hard.  You should try to be cooperative more often!”

Tavros frowned and, after a second of deliberation, said, “No, not unless I have to.”

“What?  Why?” John asked with exasperation.  “What the heck, dude, do you really have to be so standoffish all the time?”

“Aren’t you the one blackmailing me into talking about my ex-matesprit in ways that I don’t feel comfortable doing?” Tavros asked.

“Oh, well...you make it sound so creepy,” John said, rolling his eyes and turning to climb the small banister that ran the perimeter of the garage.

“Uh, what...what are you doing?” Tavros asked, walking towards him as he put his foot on a rail.

“Don’t worry, I do this all the time,” John said with a grin.  He stood on the banister and balanced himself, spreading his arms wide to allow the slight breeze to curl around his lanky frame.

“...Why?” Tavros asked.  His expression was a mixture of concern and open interest.

“Because if you close your eyes, you feel like you’re right on the edge of the world.  Kind of like you’re getting ready to fly away,” John replied.  “You should try it!”

“Uh, no, I think...” Tavros sputtered, growing uncomfortable again, “I think I’ll stay here.”

“What’s wrong, are you scared of heights?” John asked.  “The trick is, if you feel yourself falling, you make sure to fall backwards.”

Tavros didn’t respond immediately, watching John as the wind danced through his clothes and hair.  After a few minutes, John took a deep, contented breath and crouched down, steadying himself as he prepared to climb off the banister.

“I’m not scared of heights,” Tavros finally said as John planted a foot firmly on solid concrete.  “It’s, uh...more a fear of my legs walking me off of high places and making me fall, which isn’t something that happens, really, so, uh, I guess I can understand if you don’t get it.”

John glanced at him, but Tavros avoided eye contact.  John thought for a moment, deciding whether it was an appropriate time to acknowledge this subject, and despite the obvious need for tact and decorum, he felt a burning curiosity and strange apprehension that needed closure.  He cleared his throat and said, as conversationally as possible, “I know what you’re talking about.”

“You do?” Tavros asked, looking at him.  Almost immediately his eyebrows dropped and he answered himself, “No, you don’t.”

“Yes I do!  I heard about it the other day.”

“Oh, ” Tavros said.  “I guess...I thought you meant something else.”

“What?”

Tavros considered the question for a moment before shaking his head.  “She doesn’t ever control your mind, does she?”

“Uh,” John said, taken aback by the question, “no, I guess...not really...”

“Not really?  So, does that mean she does, or she doesn’t, or she does sometimes but you don’t care...I mean, what does that mean?”

“No, she doesn’t,” John said conclusively.

“I didn’t think so,” Tavros said with a sigh.

“Why?” John asked, his curiosity blazing brighter.

“Uh, well, mostly because...” Tavros said, and he struggled for words before continuing, “...because, um, I think there are probably less things you do than I do that she might find disagreeable...”

John considered the point for a second and laughed.  “Yeah, I think that’s probably right,” he said, and Tavros started, shooting him an indignant look that made him giggle more.  “But hey, as much as I’d really like to talk about this, we’d better go somewhere else first.  It’s going to start getting cool and buggy, and...I wanna be somewhere more private anyway.”

He moved past Tavros and sat on his bike, starting it up while Tavros watched him with uncertainty.  He looked back at Tavros and, holding his helmet under one arm, patted the seat behind him.  Tavros hesitated.

“Scared of moving vehicles, too?” John teased with a smirk.  “You’re the lamest troll I’ve ever met.”

Tavros scowled and immediately walked to the bike.  He attempted to slide behind John in a cool, effortless manner, but John’s body prevented him from mounting the bike with any grace, so it took him a few awkward seconds to properly maneuver his leg over the side.

“Comfortable?” John asked over his shoulder, suppressing a laugh.

“No,” Tavros responded.

“That sucks!  I drive kind of fast, so sorry in advanced.  Just hold on, okay?  And don’t hit your horns on anything if you can help it.  If you get _too_ scared, just make sure you don’t squeeze me to death.”  He laughed and said, “This one time, I was with Jade, and we were going around this curve on a back road outside of town.  She—“

“Are we going to go soon, or are we just going to sit here, exchanging stories on your two wheeled vehicle,” Tavros grumbled.

“Pff,” John responded, rolling his eyes, “I guess we can hurry up if you care that much.”

He turned the ignition and the bike growled to life, vibrating gently beneath them.  John felt Tavros’s hands fly to his shoulders for a fraction of a second before they withdrew with similar urgency, and he smirked devilishly.  Without warning, he peeled out of the parking spot.  Tavros flung his arms around John’s torso, but between the shriek of the engine and the padding of John’s helmet, he missed any amusing noises Tavros might have made.  They spun down the levels of the garage too quickly and barely paused before pulling out into the road.  John barreled down the hilliest streets he could find, taking as many turns as possible while still heading in the general direction of the house he shared with Dave.  Because of his love for joyriding, he knew the longest, most exhilarating routes between campus and his house, and he took them on his personal favorite.  He expected Tavros to be flustered and annoyed when they arrived, but when they pulled up to the house and got off the bike, Tavros eyes sparkled and he could hardly stop grinning.

“You liked that?” John asked, not bothering to hide his surprise.

“That was sick!” Tavros said.  “This choice mode of transportation must surely be the best thing humans have created.”

“Huh,” John said.  “Well, if you like it, why don’t you get one?”

Tavros's face went blank for a second as he processed the suggestion, and a look of pained disappointment flashed across it.  “I don’t know if...with my legs, as the robotics are not always good and can be glitchy with things that are not as simple as walking...”

Despite himself, John’s stomach knotted with sympathy and a strange sort of guilt.  “I mean, all you have to do is sit on it, so it’s not like it’s that hard.  There are different models and stuff...maybe you could find something.”

“...Maybe,” Tavros said, shrugging half-heartedly.  Noticing the look John was giving him, he flushed and said, “It’s not like I need you to worry about it.”

John rolled his eyes and sighed. “Yeah, right.  Let’s just go inside.”


	5. The crazy girlfriend support group

“Hey yo, Egbert!” Dave called from the living room as the door shut.  “The clown was over earlier and he made some stuff.  It’s in the fridge, but if I were you, I’d check it for radiation before you eat it.  Karkat said it’s cool, but you never know with that guy—he probably mixed rat poison in by accident.  A pinch of anthrax for an extra kick, a spoonful of cocaine to help aid digestion—“

“It’s fine,” Karkat interrupted.  “You _just_ fucking ate it!”

“I think we’ll stick with ramen,” John said, walking into the living room.  “What are you guys watching?”

“Oh, you know, just another riveting documentary on human romance, starring the enlightened Ryan Gosling, god of love and conqueror of adolescent hearts both at home, abroad, and apparently intergalactically.”

“Shut the fuck up, Strider,” Karkat snapped.  “I don’t bitch and moan every goddamn time you pull out your horrendous video games involving human celebrities who earn their livelihoods doing nothing but risking their necks to entertain the moronic masses with stupid stunts on wheeled boards, so—wait, what the fuck is _he_ doing here?”

“Oh, Tavros?” John asked as Tavros shrunk back a step.  “He’s my lab partner, so we’re working on our lab together.”

“Um, hi,” Tavros said, smiling shyly and lifting a hand in greeting.

“You do realize that this is a stupid idea, don’t you?” Karkat said, staring hard at John.  “God knows what the hell you were thinking when you decided to do this, but you do at least realize that you’re an idiot, right?”

“Oh, come on, it’s not that bad...”

“I’m with Karkat,” Dave said.  “She is going to skin you if she finds out you’re hanging out with him.”

“Psh, no she won’t.”

“Look, John, I don’t want to shit on your relationship or anything like that, since we all know you’re a grown-ass man who can make your own decisions, but—“

“But your girlfriend is a raging sociopath who threw her flushcrush off a cliff in response to her own confusion about her feeling towards him, and she will fuck you up if you get involved in this bullshit,” Karkat finished for Dave.

“What?  No, it’s not like that—“

“Isn’t it, John?  _Isn’t it?_ ” Karkat said.

“He’s right, dude.  There were red flags before this guy showed up, but now we’ve upgraded to red flashing lights, sirens, frazzled scientists running around all sorts of panicked, SWAT teams dropping in from skylights, the whole deal.  We’re in hardcore emergency lockdown.  Just look at this guy, he clearly didn’t deserve all the crap she put him through, and if she did it to him, she’d do it to you.”

“Okay, okay!  Look, it doesn’t matter what she thinks about it if she doesn’t find out, right?  So just don’t say anything about it and it’ll be fine,” John said.  “We’re not doing anything weird anyway.  We’re just two scientists doing science together, for academic reasons that have nothing to do with Vriska.”

“Jesus, you’re not going to put on that stupid ectobiology lab suit, are you?”

“What?  No!  We’re doing chemistry.  Everyone knows chemistry isn’t awesome enough to deserve a rad ectobiologist lab suit.”

“Whatever you say, dude.”

“Anyway, we have a ton of work to do, so we’re going to be in my room if you need us,” John said.  He gestured for Tavros to follow him as he crossed the room to the hallway, stepping carefully around Dave’s turntables.

“What’s, uh, what’s all this?” Tavros asked as he picked a path around the expensive gear.

“That’s my lab, where I drop the true science hard and fast like you only wish you could,” Dave answered with feigned disinterest.

“True science?”

“Yeah, dude, we’re talking fucking alchemy here.  I take flat, worthless tunes and transform them into beats of gold.  I got the Midas touch and those are my tools of the trade, so claws off.”

“Oh, you’re the human who slams!” Tavros exclaimed, his face lighting up.  “Gamzee told me about you!”

“Okay, first of all, on Earth, when we put ill rhymes to sick beats, we call that rap.  Slam poetry is for amateurs who need a mic to air their grievances and express their feelings.  Rap’s a subtle art used by ninjas of irony to enlighten the masses.  Get the difference?  It took a fucking month for your clown friend to figure it out.”

“Uh, yeah, I think I get it,” Tavros said, grinning.  “I think that maybe you take it a little more seriously than me or Gamzee does, but I totally respect that, because even though I might not understand it the way you do, I completely respect the practice of, uh, rap, as you call it, and enjoy partaking of verbal exchanges of the artistic type.”

“Cool.  Maybe we can rap sometime.”

“Hey, you were just saying how it’s a bad idea for him to hang out with us!” John butted in. 

“It’s a bad idea for you, idiot.  Nobody said anything about the rest of us,” Karkat said.

“Whatever,” John said, sighing, and he grabbed Tavros by the elbow and tugged him towards his room.  “You guys can do your stupid rap battles later.  We’re busy.”

They passed a bathroom and a bedroom—“Don’t look in...you’ll lose your soul,” John commented as they passed, but Tavros still caught a glimpse of jars full of sickly colored liquid and small animals—and they entered the room at the end of the hall. 

“Are you hungry?” John asked as Tavros looked around.  Tavros’s eyes shot to his and away again, and he shook his head.  John shrugged.  “Well, I am, so I’m gonna go get some food really quick.  You can touch stuff if you don’t break anything.”

John made his way to the kitchen and prepared himself a bowl of ramen as quietly as he could so he could eavesdrop on Dave and Karkat.

“...God, you’re crying, aren’t you?”

“Shut up.”

“Come _on_ , you knew this was going to happen.  Everyone but you and Ryan Gosling could see this coming from miles away.  This scenario is like a meteor hurdling towards Earth, one that scientists warn us about months in advance so we can all phone the president and—“

“I said shut the fuck up!  You’re ruining it.”

John snickered quietly as he carried the bowl back to his room.  He tapped the door open with his foot, and Tavros looked up at him from the floor, quickly hiding his smile.  He held John’s lizard, Casey, in his hand, and she was nibbling his thumb playfully.

“I see you met my darling daughter,” John said, setting the bowl on the floor and plopping down next to Tavros.  “There are chairs in here, you know.”

“Well, uh, I was thinking that, since we’re going to be doing homework, we should have more surface area to work upon than your desk offers, um, especially because there are two of us...” Tavros said, glancing at John sporadically.  He bit his lip, and with an apologetic look, admitted, “I, uh, didn’t know if it was okay for your lizard to come out of the tank, but, uh, I wanted to say hi, since she seems sweet...”

“It’s cool,” John said.  With a smile, he reached over and rubbed her head.  “She likes to come out.”

“Oh, okay, that’s good, then,” Tavros said with relief, grinning as Casey began to crawl up his arm.  He glanced at John again as he slurped up a chunk of noodles.  “Should I, um, get everything set out while you...eat?”

John shook his head.  “Don’t worry about that for now,” he said, wiping his mouth.  “I actually would rather talk, if that’s cool with you.”

“Oh, uh...” Tavros said, growing uncomfortable.  Casey flew up his arm and tucked herself beneath his chin protectively.

“Okay, wait, that might have come out weird,” John said.  He put his bowl down and turned towards Tavros, looking him straight in the eyes, and Tavros maintained fitful eye contact as Casey climbed up to rest on his cheek.  “Look...” John said, reaching out and taking Casey off of Tavros’s face, ignoring Tavros’s response, “I like Vriska, but there are things about her that make me kind of nervous.  I think you can probably get that, right?”

Tavros grimaced and shrugged, breaking eye contact.

John sighed again, examining Tavros’s face.  He wasn’t doing a good job of getting Tavros to open up to him. Friendliness wasn’t cutting it, and he would rather not keep blackmailing him.  He thought for a moment, and he reached for his desk and grabbed Tavros's hat.

“You know,” John said, looking at Tavros’s hat, “when I was young, my dad always tried to cater to my interests, and it drove me insane.  But he eventually figured out that that wasn’t working, and so he started doing his own thing, and then we got along a lot better.”

He looked up at Tavros, who looked back at him with confusion.  “...Why are you telling me this?” he asked.

“I was just thinking,” John said.  “About what you were saying about Vriska controlling your mind.  She’s kind of bossy, isn’t she?”

“I, uh...you’re not making any sense to me, if you are actually following any sort of real thought process...”

“I’m saying,” John said with a small huff, “that you and Vriska didn’t get along because she was trying to make you act like something you weren’t, and people who act like something they aren't are basically intolerable.  Right?”  Tavros furrowed his brow and opened his mouth to respond, but John waved his hand between them in frustration before he could say anything.  “You know what?  Never mind.  I was trying to do the thing Rose does when they want to get you to talk about stuff, but I don’t think it’s working.  Here.”

He handed Tavros the hat, and Tavros watched him as he accepted it.  John picked up his bowl again, and they fell silent.

“My, uh...friend...found this at a dig site,” Tavros mumbled.  John glanced over at him with surprise.  “She liked archeology.”

“Oh.  So...” John said, cautiously setting down his bowl again as though he was afraid Tavros would bolt from the room.  “So it’s an ancient hat?”

“She didn’t think so,” he responded after a second’s pause.  “She thought an archeologist left it there, or something like that...I don’t think she was supposed to be there.  But she gave it to me when we were, uh, flarping, which was a fun thing we used to do...before it stopped being very fun, that is...”

“So, like, before...” John asked, and before he could stop himself, he blurted, “Did she really kill her?”

Tavros’s eyes shot to his, and Casey’s mouth clamped down on his arm.  “Sorry!” Tavros said, hastily scooping up Casey.  “Sorry.”

“Dude, it wasn’t your fault,” John said as he rubbed the sore spot.  “She doesn’t bite very hard, so don’t worry about it.”

“It was my fault, sort of,” Tavros said.  He stroked Casey with his thumb, admitting, “It’s because I can commune with animals, so I guess sometimes I get worked up, and then they do too...”

John stared at him for a moment before his eyes widened.  “Oh...so you’re like Vriska, but with animals.”

“Uh, yeah, I guess...”

“Wow, that’s cool!” John exclaimed.  “So is that why you want to be a vet?”

“Yeah, basically that’s why...because, since I can feel what animals feel, I can take care of them better...”

“Wow, okay, that makes a lot more sense then,” John said, laughing.  “But, wait, so you were upset, and that’s why Casey bit me?  Did I say too much?”

Tavros hesitated before shrugging.  “It’s not too much, I guess, since...I can tell now that you’re not just being an asshole, but are actually concerned about Vriska as her matesprit.”

He glanced at John as if to communicate a tentative agreement to cooperate, and once it had registered, John’s face cracked into a grin.  “So you believe me now that I’m not just being a jerk?”

“Well...it’s like your roommates said, that, um, there are red flags, and that normal people should be concerned when their, uh, girlfriends throw their love interests off of cliffs, if you’re actually their new love interest, since, uh, you probably don’t want to be thrown off of cliffs, or have your friends get killed...”

“That’s...one way to put that, yeah,” John said.

“So, before, when you said you want to know if, uh, Vriska is a normal troll, what you really meant was, if the stuff she did was normal, or if she’s really as bad as they were saying she is...right?”

“Well, yeah,” John said, sighing.  “I mean, it’s not like she’s never talked about it.  I knew she killed people and stuff like that...and yeah, it freaked me out a little bit, but she said she came to Earth because she wanted to change.  And I believed her, because she didn’t _seem_ like she was lying.  But...all that was because she needed to feed her spidermom, she said.  It was a do-or-die sort of thing.  And with you, it doesn’t sound that way.”  He looked at Tavros, who was watching him talk, wearing all of his emotions on his face.  He glanced away when John’s eyes met his, and John sighed again.  “I don’t want to make you think about things that suck, so I’m sorry about that, but...it makes a person nervous to hear his girlfriend paralyzed her ex for no reason.”

John stopped talking to let Tavros comment if he wanted to, and after a moment, Tavros shrugged.  “If it makes you feel better, she, uh, made me paralyzed before we were dating.”

John blinked rapidly a few times while he processed that statement.  “Then...why did you even date her at all?  See, that’s what I don’t get, because you don’t make it any easier to understand her past.  If she killed your first girlfriend and walked you off a cliff with your own brain, why did you still hook up?”

“Well, uh, for starters, Aradia wasn’t really my girlfriend, so much as a very good friend who, uh, might have become my girlfriend eventually, maybe...and why I started dating Vriska is, um, a matter of difficulty, especially for a human, but...at the start, maybe some mind control was involved, but I don’t know now, since it was a long time ago.  After that, I may have had some real feelings for her, or maybe I didn’t...it’s hard to say, after being mind controlled, if I was.  There was also the, uh, basic matter of survival, which was something someone of my, uh, blood and, um, bodily limitations always needs to consider, especially with regards to someone like Vriska...”

“Yeah, she was saying something like that,” John said.  “She said she arranged to come to Earth because she thought you would get culled or whatever for being...well, kind of useless.”

Tavros frowned and sighed, leaning back against John’s bed.  “Yeah, I guess that I’m—or, uh, was—kind of useless, by troll standards, since I couldn’t fight and didn’t have many marketable skills, except for my ability to commune with animals.”

“So why didn’t you come to Earth with her?” John asked.

“...It’s like you said, kind of...she was always telling me what to do, and making me do things that I didn’t want to, and generally taking me for granted in almost every way possible.  Sometimes she was nice and, uh, genuinely a good girlfriend, but...that was not most of the time.”

“...Yeah,” John said, sighing and leaning back as well.  “I can get that.”

Tavros glanced at him out of the corner of his eyes.  “Do you, uh...do you have problems like that with her?”

John grimaced, pushing the last few scraps of noodles around the broth in his bowl as he planned his response.  “She can be kind of bossy,” he finally admitted.  His eyes flashed to Tavros for a fraction of a second before he added, “She used to talk about you.  Not like _talk_ about you, but she would sometimes really offhandedly mention this mystery guy she used to know.  It was usually to praise me somehow, but...sometimes I would wonder if I’m supposed to be an upgrade to something she used to have and not just, you know, a guy she liked because she _liked_ him.  It’s like you said, she’s not a bad girlfriend...she’s just overbearing and hypercritical sometimes.  Sometimes!  Not all the time.”

They were both silent for a few minutes.  Tavros opened his mouth to speak, but at the same instant, John rose the bowl to his lips and began to slurp the broth down, and with a grimace, Tavros closed his mouth again.  He watched Casey instead, petting her gently.


	6. It's not you, it's me

“John.”

“Oh, hi, Vriska,” John said, smiling at her as he set his tray down on the table.

“Don’t put your stuff down yet.  We’re going to eat somewhere else today.”

“We are?”

“Yes, John, we are.  Follow me.  We need to talk.”

She led him across the dining hall and out the doors to the small courtyard, finally sitting down in the shade of a flowering tree.  “What’s with trolls and sitting on the ground when there are perfectly good chairs available?” John said as he sat next to her.

“Is that a thing now?” Vriska asked, and John almost bit his tongue, realizing that had let slip an allusion to his meeting with Tavros.  His mind quickly reminded him that he knew a number of trolls and that his previous statement could have referred to any of them, so there was no reason to get worked up.

“It’s always been a thing,” he said as nonchalantly as possible.

Vriska sighed.  “I know about your study party with Tavros, John, so you can relax.”

“What?  How?” John asked.

“Karkat told Kanaya who told Rose who told Jade who was also told by Karkat, but I found out from Terezi, who heard it from Gamzee, who heard it from Tavros.  Really, John, literally _everyone_ knows about it.”

“Oh...”

“Relax!” she said.  “Did you really think I would care?”

“Well...yeah, I kind of did.”

“John, _please_.  It’s only logical you would talk to him.  I mean, it must be quite a shock, learning all that stuff about me like that.”

She kept her face impassive as she started to eat, but John could tell there was something she wanted to say, or else something she wanted him to say.  He sighed.  “I’m sorry.  I probably should’ve talked to you first, huh?”

“It doesn’t matter.  But you probably want to hear my side of the story now, don’t you?”

“I mean...it wouldn’t hurt,” he said.

“It’s hard to explain this sort of thing to a human, John,” she said.  “But you know that, because we’ve already talked about some of this stuff before!  But...this is different.  I know it hits a little closer to home for you than the rest of the stuff I told you about.  Don’t worry, I get that!  I was dating him, after all.  And since I’m dating you now, you have a right to know.”

“Vriska, it’s okay,” John said.  “Take your time, and don’t worry about me.  I’m willing to meet you halfway on this, okay?”

She smiled wryly.  “There’s going to be a lot of weird alien stuff in this conversation,” she said.  “I know we thought we were over that hurdle, but we’re not.”

“I guess that’s what happens when you date an alien,” John joked, and Vriska laughed, relaxing slightly.

“I guess so!” she agreed.  “God, I don’t even know where to start.  We were so young, John.  We were only six sweeps old.  That’s, what...thirteen in human years?”

“I have no idea.”

“Whatever.  We were young.  And we were flarping.  Lots of people die in flarp.  Terezi and I would decimate hordes of young trolls.  It was almost absurd that Tavros and his partner thought they could go up against us without any repercussions in the first place!  But they weren’t like other trolls.  They really were our friends, and it wasn’t supposed to happen the way it did.

“But, you see...this is the hard part, John.  Too bad I’m not Karkat, or I could explain this to you so much better!  Not that anyone gives a flying fuck what he thinks about any of this.  But my six-sweep-old self had feelings for Tavros.  I _hated_ him so much, John, you can’t even imagine.  He always made me so mad!”

“Wait, hated, like, _hated_?  Like the way Terezi hates Gamzee?”

“Yes, John, like that sort of hate.”

“Oh...this _is_ getting into the weird alien stuff!  But I thought...I thought you were in the normal love kind of relationship with him.”

“I was!  I was confused.  You see, when I was little, I thought I hated him, and that’s why I paralyzed him.  I had him trapped, and he was being his usual lame self, just like he always was.  He was a boy skylark, like you were when you role played, John, but he was just so much worse at it.  And I lost patience with him.  It felt like the right thing to do at the time!”

“But...it wasn’t?”

“No, it wasn’t.  His teammate got mad at me for it, and so did Terezi.  Not that I can blame them!  He was our friend, not like the rest of the chumps we played against.  So his teammate sent a horde of ghosts to haunt me.”

“Oh, wow, what?  A horde of ghosts...trolls can do that?”

“She could!  And I was terrified, John.  I’ll admit it!  So I killed her.  I know how it probably sounded to you up until now...the psycho girl killed her crush’s teammate out of jealousy because she’s a crazy bitch.  But that wasn’t it at all!  I was legitimately afraid, and I responded with violence, just like I always used to.  It had nothing to do with Tavros.”

“Oh!” John said, feeling a sense of relief he hadn’t realized he’d been looking for.  “That’s actually really good to know.”

“See?  You should have let me tell my side of the story earlier, John!  You would have felt much better.”

“Yeah, I guess so!”

“Anyways, back to the story.  It turns out I wasn’t black for Tavros like I thought I was.  Or...this is hard to explain.  Sometimes, trolls aren’t black or red exactly, but both.  They switch between them, sometimes in a very volatile way.  That was me and Tavros at first.  Well...not exactly.  It was mostly just me.  Tavros never had it in him to have real black feelings.  So I would switch from black to red, and he had to try and keep up.  We eventually evened out, but it took a while!”

“So...” John said, “what you’re saying is, this whole thing with Tavros wasn’t so much about really bad relationships as it was about weird troll relationships...?”

“No, it was a bad relationship.  In more ways than one.  Although...” she trailed off, and then she sighed.  “Maybe it could have worked if we were a bit older.  I don’t know.  It probably doesn’t matter anymore.”

John watched her, feeling something sink in his gut.  He didn’t like the way that statement sounded.  She looked at him, her single eye boring into his.

“You know, John,” she said, examining him critically, “you’re like him in a lot of ways.”

“What?  No way,” John said, the uncomfortable feeling growing stronger.  “He’s so wimpy and soft-spoken, and he’s not all that bright either!  And he’s kind of a dick.”

“To you, maybe,” she said, smiling.  “And to me.  You should see him with people he likes, though.  He’s nice, like you are.  Not half as funny or clever, and far more pathetic, worthless, and stubborn with only a fraction of your confidence...but I think you two have more in common than you think.”

“No,” John said, shaking his head.

“Don’t worry,” she said.  “You’re the better half.  Obviously.”

John looked at her, and she smiled at him almost sadly.  Taken aback, he asked, “What’s wrong?”

She shrugged, but after a pause, she answered, “It’s a shock, seeing someone you thought you’d left behind again after so long.”

There was a long silence.  The feeling in John’s gut was so strong now that he had lost his appetite, and he hardly felt like speaking.  There was a question he felt compelled to ask, though, so he finally said, “Vriska?”

“Yes, John?”

“If...” he hesitated, but after a heavy sigh, continued, “if I’m so much better than he is, or...if you think I’m so much better, then why...I mean...you still like him a lot, don’t you?”

She looked over at him.  “What are you trying to say, John?”

“I guess I’m trying to say that...you like him better than you like me.”  It didn’t come out a question, but John didn’t really think it was one.

“Don’t do this, John,” Vriska said with a groan.

“But...you do, don’t you?  You always have,” John said.  “You’ve always compared me to him.  You’ve always...it’s like you were clinging onto him the whole time, but through me.”

“That’s not true,” she said.  “Well, maybe a bit, but... It's just that Tavros and I have history. Not just us, but our ancestors. I really thought we were going to—but never mind. That doesn't have anything to do with you. I really did like you, John.”

“You _did_?” he asked, his mouth dry.

“I do,” she said.  “But let’s be honest—“

“Be honest about what?  You’re not going to go back to him now that he’s here, are you?  If—if I’m so much better, why are you still so attached to _him_?”

“I’m not going to go back to him,” Vriska insisted.  “This isn’t about him.  It’s about you and me, John!  Do you really think I haven’t noticed the way you’ve been acting lately?”

“What do you mean?  How have I been acting?”

“Okay, not really _acting_ , but feeling.  I’m suffocating you!  I’m stifling you, just like I was stifling him back on Alternia.”

“You...no, what are you talking about?”

“I’m not healthy for you, just like I wasn’t healthy for him.  You need freedom, and I’m not the best at providing that.”

“Wait, are you...are you breaking up with me?”

She sighed. “It’s better this way.”

“No, you can’t do that!” John protested.  “You can’t just tell me how I feel and what I need and then break up with me like it’s for my sake!”

“Then it’s for mine,” Vriska said.  “I know this is hard on you, John, but trust me, it’s hard on me, too!  Think about how I must feel, knowing that I’m poison to the guys I like most.”

“Don’t group me with him!” John said.  “I don’t care how alike we are maybe!  If you hadn’t been with him, then you wouldn’t be breaking up with me now, would you?”

“I would,” she said.  “I would because I can feel you resent me more each day.  I tell you what to do, how to dress, and how to act, and you hate it!”

“So stop doing those things!”

“We both know I’m too stubborn for that, John.  I ran away from my past because I’m like this, and look, I’m still the same.  I never shook it off like I wanted to.  Everything I do is still just another iron in the fire, and I need it all to come together just how I want it!  That’s how I am.  I can’t stop being me, even if I wanted to.  I’m a scourge, John, and you’ll be better to be rid of me.”

“But I don’t _want_ —“

“You’ll thank me someday,” Vriska said, standing up with her tray.  “I just hope we can still be friends.  I do like you.”

John watched her walk away, the awful feeling in his gut making itself comfortable with the expectation of hanging around for a couple of days.


	7. Rebound rivalry, or how to accidently hit on a troll

John knew that, rationally speaking, it wasn’t Tavros’s fault that Vriska broke up with him.  He knew that it was unfair to blame a guy for enrolling in a university on an alien planet to escape almost certain death, only to run into an old ex who had found a new boyfriend.  That was Tavros’s bad luck, and it just so happened that his bad luck translated into John’s bad luck as well.  John understood that well enough, and after several emotional conversations with Jade, he began to accept it.

Still, the whole exchange with Vriska nagged at him, and he sought relief through his favorite, newly passive-aggressive pastime: pranks.  Tavros became John’s sole target.  Jade made it clear that she didn’t agree with John’s method of addressing his problems, and even he would admit that his jokes weren’t always the most friendly or constructive way of expressing his discontent.  He couldn’t help himself, though. Even when he knew he was being mean, he somehow always managed to convince himself that one more trick was necessary, for better or worse, to either right the wrong of a previous prank or to blow some steam when he was feeling particularly lonely and frustrated with his new single life.  Addiction is a powerful thing, Vriska used to say to him.  Even after he had agreed with Jade that it was time to let it go, he always found a reason to talk Tavros into being his lab partner so he could pull a new stunt.  And Tavros somehow never seemed to learn that allowing John to pull up a chair next to him during lab would end with some sort of irritating inconvenience later in the day, or if he had, he stubbornly refused to back down.

After the second week of nearly non-stop Tavros torment, John found a note in his bag written in Tavros’s shitty handwriting.  It told him to get onto his computer.  Suspiciously, John followed the note’s command, and when he opened his web browser, a flurry of pornographic pop-up windows overtook his screen.  It took John and Karkat three days to subdue the virus.  Nearly overnight, John’s resentment blew up and reshaped itself into a fierce competitiveness.  It was exactly what he needed to distract himself from his post-break-up blues.

“He’s not even playing by the rules!” John exclaimed as he and Jade both dismounted his motorcycle.  “A virus?  That’s not a real prank!  I bet he didn’t even code it himself!  He should engage me like a _man_!”

“John,” Jade said, following him to the house, “maybe he’s not engaging you at all.  Maybe he just got tired of you bullying him all the time!”

“No, Jade, I know retaliation when I see it!”

“I thought we agreed you’d let it go!”

“I can’t now!  Not after he issued a challenge like that.  I’ve been training my whole life for this, Jade, so how could I possibly back down?  He can steal my girl away all day long, but if he wants to have a go at my ancient family prankster heritage, he’s asking for a beating.  I have to defend my honor—it’s in my blood!”

“I think you’re just looking for a good reason to be a jerk.”

“Everyone needs a good reason to be a jerk. And, just between you and me, this is the best reason.”

“What are you bitching about now?” Karkat shouted from the living room as they took off their shoes.  “We have guests, so show some fucking decorum!”

“You don’t even live here!” John shouted back.

“He might as well,” Dave said.

“Who’s here?” John asked, peeking into the living room.  Dave and Rose were playing video games, and Kanaya and Karkat were sitting next to them and watching with lukewarm interest.  Tavros and Gamzee were sprawled on the floor, writing down what appeared to be a joint set of terrible lyrics.  John’s eyes found Tavros’s, and both of their faces fell in union.  “Oh, you’re here,” John said.

“Yes, because I have friends here,” Tavros said, frowning.  “Also, you shouldn’t act like you don’t force me to come here three days a week already, so that I can work on your homework while you, um, put gross things in my hair, or do other distasteful things to my body or personal belongings.”

“That’s called a prank,” John said.  “You know what’s not a prank?  Hacking into someone’s computer and leaving a virus.”

“I didn’t do that.”

“You left me a note!  If you’re going to pretend you didn’t do something, you don’t leave people notes, genius.”

“No, but that’s because my roommate did it, and I just asked him to.”

“Oh my gooooooood,” John said, groaning and pulling his hair in exasperation.  “That’s not how you _do_ it!  If you’re going to do it, you have to do it right!”

Tavros frowned.  “Do what?”

“A prank war!  Here, I have a book that’ll teach you everything you need to know about pranking so that I don’t have to deal with such a hopeless noob,” John said, going to his room.

“Now you’ve done it,” Dave said, and Rose nodded.

“Uh, no,” Tavros said, shooting Dave and Rose a quizzical look as he stood. “I don’t want your book, or any advice from you, and actually I was just getting ready to leave anyways, so...”

“No, dude, you have to take the book now!” John called from his room.  “It’s too late to back out!”

“You sassed him up,” Dave said, and again Rose nodded.

“Do you really gotta be getting your abscond on, bro?” Gamzee asked, also standing.  “I can be about getting your motherfucking self back to your dorm if that’s what all is happening now.”

“Gamzee, you’ve eaten four sopor pies...should you really be driving?” Kanaya asked.

“Nah, sister, I’ll be motherfucking fine—“

“Hell fucking no, you’re not okay to be driving,” Karkat interrupted.  “You sit your clown ass down.  Someone else will drive him.  Wait here, I’ll get my keys.”

“That’s my motherfucking best friend for you,” Gamzee said, laughing as he put his arm around Tavros.  “Come on, brother, let’s kick this circus tent.”

“But, uh, Gamzee, he just told us to wait,” Tavros said as Gamzee steered him out of the room.  Karkat reentered the living room as the car engine roared to life outside, and he sprinted down the hallway, swearing, as the sound drifted away.

“Goddamn it!” he said as he came back in, throwing his keys into the kitchen.  “I _just_ fucking told him I’d drive.  He’s going to run some poor sap over one of these days and he won’t even realize it until he gets out and finds a corpse in the grill of his fucking car.”

“Hey, where’d they go?” John asked, panting and hauling his Slightly Abridged Sassacre’s into the living room.

“You just missed them,” Jade said.

“Oh man, really?” he said, dropping the book.  “But he has to read this book!”

“No one in their right mind would read that tome,” Dave said.

“I hate to say it, John, but I think he’s right,” Jade agreed.

“It is kind of big, isn’t it?” John said.

“Okay, wait a fucking moment,” Karkat butt in, striding up to John and poking him in the chest.  “What’s going on with you two?”

“Us two?”

“Yeah, you and Nitram.  What’s happening?”

“John and Tavros are having a bit of a fight,” Jade answered for him.

“A fight, huh?” he asked.  Turning to Kanaya, he said, “Was it just me, or did that whole exchange make you uncomfortable?”

“A little,” she admitted.

“Uncomfortable?” John asked, taken aback.  “Why?”

Karkat examined his face hard for a second before asking, “You really don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what?”

“Tavros has a black crush on you, John,” Rose said matter-of-factly, swiftly defeating Dave for the fourth time. He dropped the controller with a tiny grimace.

“Yeah, dude, he’s got it bad,” Dave added.

“Wait, what?” John asked, looking between them with a horrified expression.  “He does?”

“Sweet human wiggler Jegus,” Karkat groaned.  “You can’t possibly be that dense.”

“So Tavros has the hate hots for me, and you all knew, but no one told me?” John asked.  He turned to Jade.  “Did you know?”

“I told you to stop bothering him,” Jade said sheepishly.

“But... _how?_ ”

“It’s just about the most obvious thing that’s happened since the _last_ troll that hit on you,” Karkat said.

“Dude, shut up,” Dave hissed, kicking Karkat in the ass.

“Okay, first of all, Dave needs to kick Karkat again,” John said, and Dave obliged, earning himself a swift swat from Karkat.  “Secondly...is it really that obvious to everyone else?  Because I couldn’t tell at all.”

“It wasn’t obvious to me,” Jade said.  “The only reason I know is because he told me.”

“He _told_ you?” John sputtered, and everyone else looked equally shocked.

“Well, yeah,” she said.  “We chat sometimes.”

“Oh my god, it’s endemic,” Karkat groaned.  “Nitram is going to hit on all the humans before the end of the year.”

“It’s not like that,” Jade said.  “We’re just friends.  He’s really nice!”

“To you!” John said.

“I wouldn’t be nice to you either if you pulled all those pranks on me!” Jade responded.

“She’s right,” Dave said.  “I mean, no one can blame you for Karkat’s short-lived, embarrassing black crush on you freshman year, but you’re definitely aggravating this one.”

“No one asked you, Strider,” Karkat snapped.

“But he’s right,” Kanaya said.

“Well yeah, he is right!” Karkat said.  “You’re flirting with him like the fucking drones are pounding on the door for your genetic material!”

“Can we not talk about that?” Dave interrupted.  “As in, ever?”

“Just because you find kismesissitude disturbing does not negate the fact that it is a normal and healthy part of a troll’s romantic life,” Rose said.

“Fucking _thank you!”_ Karkat said.

“I get that about the kismes-what’sit.  I was talking about the genetic material drone thing.”

“Which is also a normal and healthy part of a troll’s romantic life.”

“Well,” Kanaya interjected, “I’m not sure healthy is a good word to use.”

“Okay, perhaps not healthy, but normal,” Rose said.

“Can we get back on topic?” John asked.  “I’m freaking out here!  What do I do?”

“Not harass him!” Jade responded.

“It’s too late for that,” Karkat said, shaking his head.  “You’re in too deep now.  You’ve got him hooked.”

“I don’t want to have him hooked!”

“Just face the facts, Egbert,” Dave said.  “You’re entrenched in this bitch now.  There’s only one way out.”

“There is?” John asked, horrified.

“That’s a fucking lie,” Karkat said.  “Just tell him you’re not interested and be done with it!  You should know by now not to listen to this moron.”

“ _You_ listen to this moron,” Dave commented with a miniscule smirk.  Karkat swatted at him again.

“You _are_ not interested, aren’t you?” Rose interrupted, smiling at John.

“What?” John asked.  “Of course I’m not!  I’m not, you know...gay.”

Almost everyone in the room groaned.  “I thought we all got over this already,” Dave said.

“Look, John,” Karkat said, motioning to the sofa.  “Sit.  We’re having an intervention.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re an idiot is why, so sit the fuck down.”

John plopped down between Rose and Dave, who both took his hands, for the purpose of mockery and irony respectively.  Karkat pulled a chair from the kitchen and turned it so that the back faced the sofa.

“Oh, god, he got the chair,” Dave said.

“The chair is a very necessary part of this intervention,” Karkat said.  He turned towards Jade and motioned for her to sit, too.  “Who wants to start?”

“Now, John,” said Rose, “you do realize that trolls have only one biological sex, don’t you?”

“Okay, I’m not doing this,” John said, standing.

“You sit your ass back the fuck down,” Karkat snapped, standing as well.

“Look, I get it, okay!  I had a troll girlfriend, too.  I know about how weird troll junk is, and I get that girl trolls and guy trolls are basically the same thing.”

“I can verify that,” Dave said, and Karkat’s face immediately grew red.

“Nobody asked you!” he snarled.  “Quit talking about your sexual escapades, you gross douchebag!”

“I wasn’t going to talk about them,” Dave responded.  “I was just saying, as the guy with experience with both troll genders, I can attest to the fact that guy and girl trolls got the same thing going for them downstairs.”

“If Terezi heard you talking that way about her, she’d be angry,” Rose commented.

“ _I’m_ angry!” Karkat said.

“Where is she, by the way?” Dave asked.

“She’s with Vriska,” Kanaya whispered, glancing at John.  He grimaced and rolled his eyes.

“Let’s get back to the topic!” Jade said hastily.  “Tavros, remember?”

“Look, okay,” John said, running his hand through his hair with frustration, “there are a lot of reasons I don’t want to be like that with Tavros.  Only one of which is because he’s a dude, even though that’s a really big reason.  I get that he’s not _really_ a dude, but...and it’s nothing against you guys,” he said, looking at Dave and Rose, “but if a troll looks like a guy and acts like a guy, I just can’t help but think of him as a guy!  Even if he has, you know, troll girl parts, too.  I guess I’m not as open-minded about this sort of thing.”

“So if he wore a dress, it’d be fine?” Dave asked.  Without pausing for an answer, he turned to Jade and said, “There you go, just tell him that next time you two have a friendly chat about John.”

“I’m not going to tell him to wear a dress!” Jade said.

“John,” Rose interrupted, turning everyone’s attention back to John.  “What are the other reasons you don’t want to be like that with him?”

“That...that’s kind of an awkward question, isn’t it?”

“Is it?”

He struggled for an answer before saying, “I mean...he basically caused my girlfriend to break up with me, so...”

“Yet you still seem to invest a lot of time and energy into your relationship with him.”

“No, it’s not like that,” John said.  “I—I dunno, okay?  There are a lot of things that bother me about him!  It’s just some stuff that Vriska said, and I guess I see him as a kind of threat or something...”

“A threat?”

“Oh god, she’s doing the therapy thing...” Dave whispered.

“I don’t know!” John said, groaning.  “Jade and I have talked about this some, and, well...I don’t know!”

“What did Vriska say?”

“Do we have to talk about this here?  _Now_?”

“Yes,” everyone answered.

“John, we’re trying to help you,” Rose said.

“And Tavros,” Kanaya added.  “His emotions are a concern as well.”

“Well, if he hates me that much already, it’s not like I can do much damage,” John said.

“Fucking hell, John,” Karkat said, “how many times do we have to explain to you how a kismesissitude works?”

“Probably until you actually explain it,” Dave answered.

“It’s not that fucking hard!  Even your puny, underdeveloped human think pans should be able to comprehend this,” Karkat snapped.  “When we say hate, we mean it in a romantic sense, okay?  In other words, it’s an intense emotional attachment to another person.  You can break someone’s heart through mismanaging a kismesissitude just like you can break someone’s heart through mismanaging a matespritship.  He’s not going to hate you more just because you play with his emotions like a throbbing human phallic appendage with a sadistic streak.  He’s just going to get upset, like the way humans do when they’re attached to someone who betrays them.  You can understand _that_ , can’t you?”

Karkat glared at John, who shut his mouth.  “C’mon, man, don’t be like that,” Dave whispered, yanking on Karkat’s shirt lightly.

“It needs to be said,” Karkat said.  “This isn’t a fucking game.  If John wants to keep fucking around with Nitram, he should at least know what emotional turmoil he’s responsible for.”

“God, I don’t even understand what I should do,” John moaned, pulling at his hair.  “I don’t even know what I’ve done to make this happen.”

“Well, that much is obvious, isn’t it?” Rose said.

“Is it?  Enlighten the rest of us ignorant human scum, please. We don’t get this melodramatic troll shit,” Dave said.

“I don’t really get it either,” Jade admitted.  “I mean, I get that it’s a romantic thing, but how do you hate someone romantically?”

“There are more ways to hate a person than to wish terrible things upon them at all times without prejudice,” Karkat said.

“He’s right,” Rose said, nodding.  “We don’t have kismesissitudes, but we have things _like_ kismesissitudes.”

“We do?”

“Yes.  Think about it this way: many people dislike other people who share similar traits or aspirations with them but perform at a higher level.  They envy them for successfully utilizing the skill sets or talents they wish they had or struggle to maintain.  On the other hand, many people work hard to control parts of themselves they consider to be negative or undesirable, and they will often dislike people who also have those traits but allow them to be expressed openly without regard for proper etiquette.  These people will sometimes become concerned with the person they dislike to the point of hating them, simply because the hated person reflects the haters’ concerns about themselves and gives their emotions a tangible target.

“In humans, this kind of hate can give birth to rivalries.  A lot of humans have pronounced rivalries with other humans, and some are not as civil as others.  These aren’t necessarily considered romantic relationships, but some people actually become very emotionally attached to their rivals.  Having a good rival can help a person develop a sense of self and push them to strive harder in the areas that matter most to them.”

“And thus you have romantic hate!” Karkat finished for her triumphantly.

“Okay, Professor Romance, so why couldn’t you explain that to us?” Dave asked.  “For a human who has never experienced black loving and probably never will, Rose has you beat on the romantic knowledge front.”

“It’s simple psychology,” Rose said, smirking. 

“So, it’s just a really intense rivalry?” John asked.  “I guess that makes sense, then.”

“Yeah,” Jade agreed.  “It also tells you why declaring a pranking war on Tavros is probably a bad idea!”

“Yeah...” John said.  “I guess...it says a lot of things.”

“Yes,” Rose said.  “It does.  Perhaps we should go back to why you think Tavros is a threat.”

John exhaled slowly through his nose and leaned back, looking at the ceiling.  Everyone watched him expectantly, and he said, “Do you guys really want to know?”

“God yes,” Karkat answered.

John glanced at Jade, who patted his head encouragingly, and sighed.  “Okay, it’s like this.  Vriska broke up with me because she said she thought she was stifling me, like she was stifling Tavros on Alternia.”

 “Was she?” Rose asked.

“Man, I don’t know!  I...guess?  Sometimes she was overbearing.  But that’s not the point!  The point is, she was all about how she wasn’t healthy for Tavros, and how that means she’s not healthy for me, and how alike we are, except that I’m better.  Except she doesn’t actually think that!  I know she still likes him.  She’s always liked him.  How can she compare me to him and tell me I’m better when I _know_ she likes _him_ better!  She was acting like it was for my own good, but she didn’t give me a say in the matter!  And anyway, we’re not similar at all.  He’s such a wimp.  He’s gullible, sassy, and not always the brightest crayon in the box.  I dunno, it’s just been bugging me ever since.”

“Hmm,” Karkat hummed.  “Interesting...”

“Yes, it is,” Rose agreed.

“What...?” John asked, growing uncomfortable as they stared him down.

“John, which upset you more, Vriska breaking up with you, or Tavros’s involvement in the break up?” Rose asked.

John drew his brow in as he processed the question.  “Well, the break up, obviously.”

“But, dude, haven’t you been worried about your relationship with Vriska for a while now?” Dave asked.

“Well, yeah, because she paralyzed her ex!  But once we got that cleared up, I wasn’t so nervous about it anymore.”

“You’ve always been rather nervous about Vriska,” Rose said.

“But that doesn’t mean that I wanted to break up with her!”

“Are you sure you’re not jealous?”

“Okay, yeah, since she likes that lame dude better than me, I guess I’m probably jealous.”

“Actually, John...” Jade said tentatively, “most of the conversations we’ve had about your break up have revolved around Tavros.  Did you notice?”

“That’s...” John began, but he paused and thought about.  His gut sank as he began to realize how preoccupied he had been with Vriska’s comments about him and Tavros.  He looked around at the small group watching him and felt a blush creep up his neck.  “Okay, yeah, that’s true.  But that doesn’t mean that I, you know...want to get it on with him in a weird rivalry way!”

“No, of course not,” Rose said, nodding.  “But it does suggest why _Tavros_ may want to get it on with _you_ in a weird rivalry way.  If what Vriska says is true, there might be a number of reasons for Tavros to dislike you, not the least of which are your comparative success in your relationship with Vriska and her apparent respect for you.  Don’t you think he can sense the reasons why she thinks you’re better than he is?”

John opened his mouth and shut it, thinking about her point.  Finally, he said, “Yeah, I guess he might.”

“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Kanaya said.  She had been so quiet throughout the conversation that her contribution took everyone off guard, and they turned to look at her.  She continued, “I knew them when we were younger.  Tavros has always been an unusually good-natured troll.  He used to love fairy tales and adventures, and he liked to daydream of being Pupa Pan, so I suppose you could call him rather free-spirited.  But he was never assertive and tended to take slower, more thorough approaches to his adventures, which irritated Vriska.  She had acquired the diary of her ancestor and got the idea that Tavros was descended from a powerful and impressive troll, and she became obsessed with the expectation that her relationship with Tavros would be as grand and passionate as her ancestor's relationship with his ancestor. Obviously, it wasn't, because neither of them are the same person as their ancestor. I tried to mediate their relationship, but after the accident, her disappointment with him became unmanageable.”  She sighed.  “Vriska was probably one of the worst things that ever happened to him.  He tried to please her, but nothing he did would ever live up to her standards. I don't know if he'll ever recover the self-esteem he lost.”

“So, what you’re saying is...”

“It might be like Rose said,” she said.  “He probably does know why Vriska likes you better.  You’re confident, uninhibited, and able-bodied.”

“But...but he’s able-bodied now, at least,” John said, pulling out an excuse for some reason he couldn’t explain.  As soon as he said it, however, he remembered what Tavros had said about driving his own motorcycle and frowned.  “Kind of.”

“I think we know why Tavros ‘hates’ you so much now, John,” Rose said, watching his emotions flicker across his face.  “And I think we also know why you dislike him.  Keeping that in mind, try to let him down nicely.”

“Listen to her,” Karkat said.  “Trolls have four relationships for a reason.  We don’t just hate each other because we’re hateful assholes. All of our relationships help us to become mature, stable adults, and the more you have to offer his horribly misguided subconscious, the stronger he’s going to need you.  Don’t fuck this up.”

“I’ll try not to,” John said, sighing heavily.


	8. He never could hold his alcohol

“Hey, John, are you going to go to the Scourge Sister’s house party tonight?” Jade asked, coming to stand next to him at the Starbuck’s counter.

“I don’t know,” he admitted.  “Their parties get kinda wild sometimes, and I don’t know if I feel up to that this weekend.”

“Because of Vriska?”

He rolled his eyes.  “It’s been two months.  I think I can handle associating with her like an adult again.”

“Well, that’s up to you!” she said, backing off the subject.  “Everyone else is going, though.  Tavros is going to bring his roommate.  You know, the hacker one Karkat’s been wanting to meet!  He’s also going to introduce us to the friends who fixed his legs.”

“You mean, made him into a clumsy sci-fi cyborg.”

“Yeah,” she said, laughing.

“I guess that’s cool.”

She shot him a glance and smiled.  “I heard he got Casey to rip up your chemistry homework.”

“What?  Who told you?” he asked, flaring up.

“He did!  He was really proud about it.”

“Jade, you’re on _my_ side, remember?  Stop fraternizing with the enemy!”

 “It’s so fun, though!” she said with another laugh.  “You guys are so goofy.”

“You’re only saying that because he’s finally getting better at it.”

“He is!” she said.  “It helps that you’re not being so crazy about it anymore.”

“It’s an art,” he said, straightening his back.  “You can’t even imagine the sort of strategy that’s involved in this kind of guerilla prank warfare.”

“Can’t seem too interested, right?” she said. 

He grimaced.  “Well, yeah, but there are a lot of different layers beyond just not accidentally hitting on him because he’s from a race of masochistic aliens that like it when people are purposely antagonistic towards them.”

“Sure there are!” Jade replied sarcastically.

“There are!”

They bickered playfully until the barista called their names, and they walked away with their fancy coffee.  “You have class, right?” Jade asked.

“Chemistry,” John said, suppressing a groan.

“Are you going to be okay without your homework?”

“I copied his,” he said.  “Kind of.  Half of the problems were wrong.  Actually, I fixed his homework and redid mine based on the corrections.”

She laughed.  “Tell him I said hi!”

“Nope,” John responded, swerving towards the building that housed the science labs.

He sat down in his usual seat and waited for his partner to show up.  After several minutes, Tavros dropped his bag onto the table, and John snuck a whoopee cushion onto his seat just before he sat.  A wave of giggles rippled through the room as it sounded.

“Thanks,” Tavros said, hiding his blushing face by rummaging through his bag.

“I heard you’re bringing some friends to the party tonight,” John said.

“Yes, um, my roommate, and my good friend, Nepeta, and her friend, who I guess is sort of also my friend, since I stayed at his house for a while, whose name is Equius.”

“Good!  I want to have a word with your roommate about that virus.”

“The one from the beginning of the semester?” Tavros asked, looking confused.

“Yeah, that’s the one.”

“You’re still upset about that?”

“Duh!  That was an insult to my ancestry.”

“If you say so,” Tavros said, rolling his eyes.  “But, I thought...Jade said you might not go, because of, uh...Vriska.”

“If _you_ can muster up the courage to go to one of her parties, it would be really stupid if I couldn’t.”

“Oh, okay,” Tavros responded, and John noticed him fail to suppress a small, pleased smile.

“Dave, Karkat, Gamzee, and I are carpooling, since Gamzee’s our DD.  You got a ride?”

“No, since they live close to campus anyway, and I can walk, but, uh...what’s a DD?”

“You know, a designated driver.”

“Designated...to drive?”

“What?” John said. His mouth falling open.  “Wait, don’t tell me...this your first house party?”

“Um...it might be?”

“Oh man, this is going to be fun!” John said with unbridled glee.  “We’re going to get you so drunk!  A Scourge Sister house party isn’t the kind of house party you want to lose your house party virginity to.”

“What’s, um, what’s this about, uh...virginity?” Tavros asked, his face turning bronze.  “What kind of—this isn’t some weird sort of party, which I should be concerned about going to for any reason, is it?”

“What?” John asked, and, catching onto Tavros’s train of thought, he said, “Oh, yeah, definitely.  It is definitely a weird sort of party that you should be concerned about for a lot of reasons.  Bring friends.”

Tavros examined his face for a second and scowled.  “You’re a jerk,” he said.

“Don’t worry about it,” John said, laughing.  “I’ll _personally_ make sure your first house party will be one you remember forever.”

That night, the house was packed like it always was when Vriska and Terezi opened their doors to the general student population.  John, Dave, and Karkat hung out with Terezi for the first hour, trying to keep it classy for Terezi’s sake as it was her turn to stay sober and watch the guests.  It wasn’t long, however, before she and Dave managed to goad Karkat into forcing John to participate in a drinking contest with him, which Karkat quickly called off after four shots.  John and Dave volleyed harmless taunts off of him for a while before he stormed off, wading through the crowd to hang out with Jade instead.

“Hey, dude,” Dave said, elbowing John in the ribs as he finished off a glass of jungle juice.  “There’s your illicit black lover.  Gonna go say hi?”

“My who?” John said, squinting to make out faces against the flickering disco lights.

“You know, your awkward admirer, who also conveniently doubles as your own personal scapegoat.”

“He’s hanging out with Gamzee again,” Terezi commented.

“How the hell can you 'see' anything in here?  It smells like ass.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

John switched his search to locate Gamzee’s horns, which stood a good foot above the tallest person in the room, and he finally spotted Tavros.  He and Gamzee were standing close together, shouting into each other’s ears to hear above the noise of the music.

“What do you think—clown’s got the hots for Tav?” Dave asked.

“Definitely,” Terezi replied, grinning.

“No...You thin’ so?” John asked.

“Dude, are you drunk already?”

“No!”

“Then here, you’d better drink this,” Terezi said, taking his empty glass and shoving a full one into his hands. 

“Hey, Terezi,” Dave said.  John glanced back at Tavros and Gamzee, who were laughing about something.

“What?”

“You’re blind, so you must have some crazy hearing, right?  A girl like you would probably know shitty music when you hear it, so tell me, what’s wrong with this house party?”

“Ugh, no, Dave!  You can't touch the music.  You’re going to play something stupid and call it ‘ironic.’”

“So?”

John noticed Gamzee and Tavros look towards them, and Gamzee waved.  Without thinking, John waved back.

“So we want good music that _normal_ people like _un_ ironically!”

“I can manage that.”

“Can you?”

John watched as Gamzee said a few more words to Tavros, and he leaned forward to press a chaste kiss to Tavros’s lips.  A quarter of John's drink spilled out as his grip on the cup relaxed.  He jumped and looked down at the liquid seeping into his shirt. “What the hell, dude?  You sure you’re not drunk?” Dave asked, taking a step away from him.

“Uh, yeah, prob’bly,” John said.  He looked up and, despite the flashing lights, could have sworn his eyes met Tavros’s, but then Tavros was moving in the direction of the kitchen and Gamzee was making his way towards them.

“Bleh, he’s coming here,” Terezi said.  Then, to Dave, she said, “Fine, you can mess around with the music for _one hour_.”

“I’m, uh...” John said, looking down at his clothes and spilling a little more of his drink, “I’m gonna go clean up.”

“Good idea,” Dave said.  “Be careful with that cup.”

“Yeah,” John said, and, after a second of hard deliberation, he chugged the rest of the alcohol and began to swerve through the merciless obstacle course that blocked his way to the kitchen.  He felt simultaneously heavy and weightless, but he somehow managed to keep his footing smooth as he floated between groups of dancing people.  He had almost made it to the lighted kitchen when he felt a firm hand on his shoulder.

“John.  How are you?” Vriska asked, and he immediately fell speechless.  After a few gargled noises, he shrugged.  She examined his face and smirked.  “I can see you’re enjoying the party.  It’s been a while since you’ve been this wasted.”

“S’not my idea,” he managed.  “It was Karkat.”

“Of course it was,” she said.  “John, I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

“You have?” he asked, his mental faculties sharpening as his insides shifted.

“Not _talk_ talk, but talk,” she said, sensing his nervousness.  “You know, like what friends do.  We are still friends, aren’t we?”

“Oh...oh, yeah!” John said, his tension lessening.  “Yeah, we are.  We’re still friends.  Yeah.”

“Good.  You wanna go hang out with me for a bit?” she asked.  “It’s been a while since we’ve done that.”

He nodded and the world blurred, and when he re-calibrated his bearings, he was stepping out of the darkness of the large living room and into the light of the kitchen.  He could hear Karkat’s voice, peaking in volume in his drunkenness and apparent irritation, but there were too many people in the kitchen for John to identify him quickly.

“What the hell, John,” Vriska said, leading him to the sink.  “If you have as much booze in you as you do on you, you’re in for a rough night.”

“’S not that much,” John said, slurring the words.

“Sure it’s not,” she said.  “Hey, did you meet Zahhak?”

“Who?”

“Equius.  He was the guy who fixed my arm.  We were neighbors on Alternia!  I guess Tavros brought him?  Not like I would know, he’s been avoiding me all night _like always_.”

“He’s right there,” John said, pointing to the corner of the room.  He was almost as surprised as Vriska to see him there. It hadn’t registered that he had seen him until he said he had.  Tavros hadn’t noticed them yet.  He was nervously watching Karkat argue with another troll, who had a double pair of horns and a lisp that grated on John’s inebriated nerves.

“Should we go meddle with him?” Vriska asked, shooting John a glance.

“...Yeah,” John said, pushing away from the counter and sidling up to Tavros.  Vriska smirked and followed his example, taking up post on Tavros’s other side.  John could feel him grow tense, and he felt a slight pang of compassion, so without thinking he clumsily threw his arm around his shoulders and patted his face.  “What’re you doing?” he asked.

“Uh...” Tavros said, drawing out the sound a little longer than usual, but John was having trouble focusing on his face well enough to make out his expression.  “Mostly...wondering if I, uh, should intervene with, um...what’re you doing?”

“How have you been, Tavros?” Vriska asked, and he jumped slightly.  “I hear you two have become best chumps recently!”

“Um, no, that’s...that would be false gossip, I think...”

“Wha’?  No, man, we’re tight,” John said, cutting him off.  “Vris, we’re tight, okay?”

“Are you?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Um, yeah...no...what does that mean...?”

“Yeah, dude, wha’the hell, c’mon,” John said, grabbing Tavros’s horn and pulling his head down to look at Vriska.  “Vris, this guy’s, he’s an idiot.  It’s jus’ like what you said.  He’s bad at like, practically everything.”

“I know, John,” Vriska replied.  “I dated him, remember?”

“Well, I mean, gosh, I haven’ _dated_ him...but we’re at war, you know, and I’m _totally_ schoolin’ him.  I’m Napoleon an’ he’s...whoe’er Napoleon beat.  Europe, I think.”

“I don’t know who that is, John,” Vriska said, clearly amused.  “But I’m glad you’re winning.  Kick his ass for me, will you?”

“Oh, you know it,” John responded with a grin.

“And Tavros?” she said, bending over to look him in the face.  John helped her by turning his head by the horn, and for the first time he noticed his frustrated protests.

“What?” he snapped.  His face was brightly flushed.

“Wow, you’ve gotten plucky,” she commented, and her eye flashed up to John’s.  “I was going to say, we should hang out sometimes, too.  Maybe the three of us could, if you’re still too weird about me to hang out with me alone.”

“No, because you were the weird one about me, and, uh, anyway, I don’t want to hang out with this asshole, so that he can taunt me while we talk, and so you two can gang up on me like you're doing now, so if we do hang out, we should be around someone else, like, uh, Terezi, for instance, or another mutual friend.”

“Fine,” Vriska said, rolling her eye.  “I’ll let you call the shots this time, Toreasnooze.”

“Don’t call me that in front of him...you’ll give him ideas,” Tavros insisted, and Vriska’s eye shot up to John’s again.

“Now that you said some’ing about it...” John said, and he laughed as Tavros pushed against his gut in a weak attempt to get free of his headlock.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Vriska said, standing straight.  “Keep out of trouble.  Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

“But that still leaves a lotta things I can still do,” John said.

“Sure does,” she said with an ironic smile, and she turned to head back into the flickering darkness of the living room, grabbing a beer on the way out.

“Let go,” Tavros grunted, and John finally released him, laughing.

“And you two!” Karkat roared, rounding on them angrily.  They both froze.  “Would you get a fucking room already?  We’re in public, goddamn it, and I’m getting so fucking sick of your shameless PDA!”

“Hi, Karkat!” John said.

The troll Karkat had been talking to leaned around him.  “Tav, this guy is _great_. Like holy shit,” he said.

“Who’re you?” John asked. 

“His name is Sollux, and he’s my roommate...”

“Oh, fuck, you’re the virus guy!” John said, becoming confrontational.  “You’re the guy who sent the virus!”

“Oh, so you’re the lame trick guy,” Sollux responded, smirking. 

“ _Lame trick guy?_ ”

“I didn’t know my virus left such a kickass impression, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“ _Three days_ —!” Karkat screeched.

“He called me—my tricks aren’ lame!” John said, turning to Tavros.  “Are you callin’ my jokes _lame_ to people now, are you?”

“No, that’s just what he says about the situation,” Tavros said hastily.  “Your tricks aren’t lame at all, really, except for maybe a select few, which were sort of low anyway...”

“I’ll have you know that _I’m_ a master,” John told Sollux, trying to take a step towards him but losing his balance.  The room seemed to rotate on a wobbly axis as he stumbled and caught himself on the counter.  Blood rushed to his face and he groaned.

“Your _master_ drank too much,” Sollux commented to Tavros, who sighed.

“I guess...I’ll take him outside so he can get some air, and also not break things and cause problems.”

“Wait,” John protested as Tavros helped him stand upright, “I’m fine.”

“Yes, okay, but we’re still going outside.”

Tavros guided him through the kitchen door to the backyard, where he dumped him on the ground.  The night air was chilly, and the cool grass felt good against John’s face, but the way the world turned around him made him uncomfortable.  He tried to sit up, but reality shifted and he fell back over.  He stayed still as a mounting nausea built inside him, and he rolled over onto his stomach and lifted himself up enough to vomit.

“Gross...” Tavros said, and John felt hands on his shoulders, steadying him while he emptied his stomach.

“You, you’re gross,” John said, groaning.  He let Tavros tip him backwards away from the mess and drag him a few feet away.

“No, I’m not,” Tavros said.  “I don’t throw up in people’s yards.”

“But you suck so mush,” John said, swatting him away.  Tavros sighed and let go of him, and John immediately moaned, “Don’t leave me here...!”

Tavros was silent for a moment, and he plopped down next to him.  They sat quietly for a good while, staring at the stars, before John finally sat back up.

“Are you, um, ready to go back inside, or...?”

“Shut up,” John said, grabbing Tavros’s shoulder and using it to haul himself to his feet.

“So, yes, is what you’re saying,” Tavros said, standing as well.

“Where...?” John asked, looking around.  “Did Vriska leave?”

“She’s inside."

John blinked and looked at Tavros, squinting in order to focus on him.  “You...’re mad?”

“I’m not _happy_...”

“Because Vriska?”

“Well, that, maybe a little bit, but mostly because you’re doing this,” Tavros said, motioning broadly to John's whole body.

“I know, you know, why Vris’s always on your case,” John said, grabbing Tavros by his shoulders and looking at him hard.  “She’s not—she doesn’t hate you, okay?  She’s not mean.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t—“

“ _Listen_ ,” John commanded, leaning on him heavily, and Tavros rolled his eyes.  “It’s like cuz of what she said.  It’s cuz you suck at, like, everything.”

“You said that.”

“But...you do!  I mean, that’s why...it would make anyone wanna follow you ‘round and correct all the stuff you do so bad.  Like chemistry.”

“Okay, no, this is stupid,” Tavros said, slapping John’s hands off his shoulder and ducking out of the way as John stumbled forward.  “If it’s like you say, and I suck that badly, then why are _you_ so jealous of me?”

John looked up at him from where he fell to his knees on the ground, furrowing his brow. “I’m not...jealous.  I’m not jealous!  Who says I’m jealous?”

“Well, uh, besides the fact that it’s obvious, because of when and how you started to harass me, meaning mostly that there must be some reason you started to hate—uh, dislike me so much after she broke up with you...Jade told me what you said to her about what Vriska said to you, so now I know, too, how you and she both feel about me,” Tavros said, watching him as he tried to stand again.

“Jade...?”

“Yeah.”

“Damn it, Jade!” John said, shaking his fist and falling over again.  “I’m...I’m done.  I’m too drunk.”

Tavros frowned and sighed, walking over to him and grabbing him by the arm.  “The point is, that I don’t suck as much as you say I do,” he said, pulling John to his feet. “You just want me to suck, so that, um, you’re not so insecure about yourself, because you want to keep feeling awesome and better than me to provide comfort for your feelings that were destroyed by Vriska accidentally, but also, if I do actually suck, that makes you mad, too, because it means you suck as well, and since you’re so competitive, you don’t want to suck like me.  So you want me to suck but it makes you mad that I suck, so you’re really obsessed with me sucking, or something like that.”

John clung to him, concentrating onto what he was saying with difficulty.  “There’s no way you came up with tha’ by yerself,” he said.

“That, uhhh...okay, yes, you’re right about that,” Tavros said, glancing towards the house before turning the other way and walking John towards the sidewalk.  “I contacted your snooty friend, Rose, in order to better understand your intentions, because I wanted to understand your weird human advances so as to better plan ways of how to get underneath your soft, pale skin.”

His words were barely registering before they dissolved in John’s mind.  “No, they weren’ advans... They were...ci’il displays’a manly one-manup...ship.”

“I think...you’re probably not as manly as you think you are,” Tavros said.  “And also you’ve failed to one-man...up me, since you’re still jealous and I’m still actually better than you in a lot of ways.”

John furrowed his brow, concentrating on Tavros’s voice and the small but dangerous imperfections of the sidewalk.  “No, cuz you suck.”

“No, because—see, if you look at us right now, you’re the one who is sloppy and disoriented, and I’m not, because I’m responsible, and also because I don’t like the taste of your human intoxicating beverages—“

“Tha’s not being respronsible.  Tha’s jus’ bein’ _lame_ ,” John said.

“Yeah, but how lame would it be, if I were to go over to Vriska right now, and seduce her into passionately falling in love with me again, right now, with you watching, too drunk to do anything about it?” Tavros asked, a clear note of frustration evident in his voice.  “Because she definitely has never gotten over me, according to my sources, which say so according to you, so it must be true.”

It took John a moment to come up with the proper response, but he finally managed, “Dude, no!  You don’ e’en like ‘er.”

“You never know, though,” Tavros said, “since we’re older now, and we have had multicultural experiences that have made us more mature—“

“E’en if you _did_ like ‘er again, she wouldn’ date you!”

“She loooooves me, asshole, like she doesn’t love you anymore—“

John pushed Tavros away from him in disgust and promptly fell into a bush by the side of the sidewalk.  “Leave me!” he moaned, burrowing his face into the needles.  “You’re sucha _jerk_!”

“You’re a jerk!” Tavros snapped, ignoring John’s weak protests and grabbing him.

“You were glad!” John accused.  “You wan’ned her to not love me!  It was a plot!  I’bbeen had!”

“You can’t stay here!” Tavros said, grunting as he pulled his limp body out of the bush.

“You were jus’ chasin’ her away so _you_ could seduce me, you _pervert_ ,” John howled.  Tavros immediately let go of him, and he fell to the ground.

“Who said I was trying to—?”

“ _Jade_.”

Tavros stared down at him, but the world was spinning so quickly that John couldn’t concentrate on him at all.  The lines and shadows of his face undulated across his gray skin, rendering him surreal and bizarre in ways that quickly became overwhelming.  John felt his gut churn and screwed his eyes shut.  When he opened them a second later, Tavros was halfway down the block.

“Noooooooo...” John moaned, rolling onto his belly and trying to get up, but he was too intoxicated to lift himself.  He set his face against the cool concrete and moaned again.  “Taaaaaaaavroooooooos,” he called.  “I’m—I’m _sorry_!  Come baaaaaaaaack!”

The world began to overwhelm him again, so he closed his eyes, but he felt as though he were laying on the deck of a ship in a storm.  The ground shifted, turned, and spun, and he pulled himself up just in time to get sick again.

“Oh my god,” Tavros groaned, yanking him away from his vomit.  “You are definitely more pathetic and disgusting than me, and I don’t know why anyone likes you.”

“Tavros,” John moaned, pulling at Tavros’s pants as he tried to stand.  “I'm...I'm so _drunk_...why'd'you let this happen?”

“Shut up,” Tavros said, bending down to get his arm over his shoulders and lifting him.  “Come with me, and stop trying to pick fights.”

“...I saw you kiss Gamjee.”

“Shut _up_.”


	9. My mind is probably telling me 'no' I think...

John jolted awake the next morning and hit his head on the bed above him.  He groaned and fell back, lifting his hand to rub the sore spot.  His whole body felt like it was several tons too dense, and his brain throbbed.  Worst of all, he had no idea where he was.

“Look who’s finally awake,” someone lisped, and John let his head roll to the side to identify the source of the voice.  It was Sollux, sitting in front of his computer, still wearing the same clothes he had worn the night before.

“Where...?” John asked.

His cocky smirk widened into a grin.  “You don’t remember anything, do you?”

John concentrated his thoughts and slowly pieced together a spotty recollection of the previous night.  “I remember...walking,” he said.

“That’s fucking hilarious.  You were out of control, dude, no joke.”

“Where’s Tavros?” John asked, glancing around the room as best he could without moving his head.

“He left as soon as I got back,” Sollux replied.

“Got back?”

“Yeah, I was at your place smoking with your roommates and that ludicrous clown until like fucking dawn, so I crashed on your couch.”

John processed the information slowly, and then asked, “Wait, so, what time is it?”

“Like two in the afternoon.”

“Oh man,” John groaned, slowly sitting up.  “I guess...I should be getting home.”

“Don’t hurt yourself.”

“Thanks,” John said, reaching for his phone before realizing that he wasn’t wearing anything but his boxers.  “Hey, what...where are my clothes?”

“Don’t you know?” Sollux asked with a snicker.

“Do I...?  No, why would I?  I don’t remember what happened,” John said, looking around the bed.

“They could be anywhere, then,” Sollux said, wiggling his eyebrows.

John stared at him, and, realizing his situation, a blush slowly crept up his neck.  “What, no, that’s—!”

“Too bad you don’t remember,” Sollux taunted, turning in his spinning chair back to his computer.  “Guys with horns like that, I mean _damn_...I bet he gave you a—“

“ _No_ , shut up!” John said, finally locating his clothes, which were strewn haphazardly on the floor by the foot of the bed.  He pulled his pants on and removed his phone from his pocket, and, jumping out of bed, he struggled to put his shirt on as he hurried out the door.  “Gotta go!  Nice meeting you, Sollux...I think.”

“Yeah, it was,” he replied as John shut the door.

John made it half way down the hallway before he became too woozy to continue, so he leaned against the wall and looked at his phone, cradling his head in one hand.  He had several messages from Dave, a good number more from Rose, who liked to text when she was tipsy, and one or two from Karkat.  Jade had texted him the most recently.  He opened their conversation and, without bothering to look at any of her texts, immediately shot her a message.

 

JOHN: hey jade, could you give me a ride?  i’m stranded on campus, and i got a crazy hangover.

 

He dragged himself to the drinking fountain while he waited for her reply.  He had nearly drowned himself in his haste to rehydrate before his phone sounded.

 

JADE:  oh no john i cant right now!  :(  


JADE:  im talking to tavros

 

John stared at the message in disbelief.  Frowning, he slid down the wall to sit on the floor and beat out a reply.

 

JOHN:  what’s he saying?

JADE:  i...dont think i can talk about it!  
JADE:  i think i mightve caused some problems by talking too much already  :(

JOHN:  what kind of problems?

JADE:  problems between you and tavros!

JOHN:  you don’t say...  
JOHN:  hey, speaking of tavros, ask him why i wasn’t wearing any clothes.

JADE:  ask him WHAT?

JOHN:  no, wait, nevermind!  don’t ask him that!

JADE:  did something happen john?

JOHN:  no!  or maybe.  i don’t know!  
JOHN:  i really need to talk to someone, jade.  i think i’m having a crisis.

JADE:  oh no!!  
JADE:  but...i really cant right now!  im already here talking to tavros and it would be really rude if i left to talk to you...

JOHN:  well...you’re probably right about that.  
JOHN:  maybe i can call rose instead...

JADE:  i think thats a great idea!!  
JADE:  shell be able to help you through any crisis!

JOHN:  yeah...but sometimes i wonder if she’s a little...

JADE:  overanalytical?

JOHN:  yeah!  
JOHN:  but maybe that’s what i need right now.

JADE:  i sure hope everything turns out okay!

JOHN:  me too, jade.  me too.

 

John grimaced and opened his conversation with Rose, which was full of drunken half-messages that were more than a little difficult to read.  He sighed, and, hoping she was awake and coherent, texted her.

 

JOHN:  rose, are you awake and coherent?  
JOHN:  i have something really important i need to talk to you about!

ROSE:  Good morning, John.  
ROSE:  Or rather, good afternoon.

JOHN:  oh good!  you’re normal.

ROSE:  Couldn’t be better.  Thanks for asking.

JOHN:  can you drive?

ROSE:  Yes, of course.

JOHN:  are you sure?  judging by some of your messages, you got pretty smashed last night!

ROSE:  Yes, well, unlike some of our friends, I have a loving girlfriend who will fuss over me until I’m properly hydrated and in bed at a decent hour.

JOHN:  psh, yeah, if 4 am counts as a decent hour!

ROSE:  It does if the morning after feels fresh.  
ROSE:  And how are you feeling, John?  No hangover, I presume?

JOHN:  why would you ever presume such a thing?

ROSE:  It just seems natural that you wouldn’t give me trouble for having a hangover if you yourself had one.

JOHN:  well, you’re wrong!  
JOHN:  i feel awful, and i’m stranded on campus.  
JOHN:  and on top of all that, i have to talk to you about something!

ROSE:  So you’ve said.  
ROSE:  I’m assuming this is why you asked whether I felt well enough to drive?

JOHN:  yeah.  so, uh...  
JOHN:  could you come pick me up?  
JOHN:  i’m in the freshman dorm.

ROSE:  Oh?  How scandalous.

JOHN:  no, it’s not in any way scandalous, so don’t start saying stuff like that.

ROSE:  Ah, okay.  My bad.  
ROSE:  I’ll swing by in 20.

 

John groaned and hauled himself to his feet, dragging himself to the bathroom to throw up.  He then proceeded to drown himself in the water fountain again, after which he picked a wobbly path to the entrance of the dorm and plopped himself down onto a bench.  He stared at the ground until he heard the smooth hum of Rose’s posh ride pull up in front of the dorm.

“You do look rather disheveled,” Rose commented as he slid into the seat next to her.

“I feel a lot worse than rather disheveled,” he said, trying not to look out the window as she pulled out into traffic.

“So what is this important thing you wanted to discuss?” Rose asked.

“...Let me eat something first.  My brain's still too fuzzy to work.”

“It must not be that much of a crisis, then,” she said.  “Jade made it sound like you were having a meltdown.”

“I mean...” John said, searching for some strategic words, but the brightness of the afternoon sun was shooting through his eye sockets and pulsing through his skull, making it too difficult for him to think.  He covered his eyes and sighed.  “I think...we had sex?”

He couldn’t see Rose’s reaction.  “'We' as in who?” she asked.

“You know...that guy.”

“Tavros?”

“Yeah, him.”

“Do you _feel_ as though you’ve had sex?”

“I don’t know.  I just feel sick.”

“Hmm...Jade hasn’t said anything about this.  She’s talking to Tavros now.  Apparently he felt as though he had something important to talk about as well.”

“ _Yeah_ , because obviously we hooked up last night!”

“Let’s approach this logically, John.  Do you remember anything that would suggest you hooked up?”

“Not much...I remember walking, and he got mad at me,” John said, sifting through blurry images and sensations from the night before.  “But I woke up in my underwear.  And I was in his bed.  And also he has the hots for me and totally wants in my pants.”

“Perhaps he didn’t want you in his bed with your clothes in the state they’re in,” Rose commented, and John glanced down.  His shirt and pants were stained red with alcohol and Hawaiian punch.  He didn’t say anything, and after a pause, Rose asked, “Was he drunk as well?”

“No.”

“How do you feel?”

“Sick.”

“I mean, how do you feel emotionally?”

“I don’t know,” he said.  “I...Rose, am I gay?”

Rose snorted, and he glanced at her.  “I’m sorry,” she said, “but that wasn’t the reply I expected.  Come on, we’ve arrived.  Let’s go inside and make lunch.”

He followed Rose through the unlocked door.  The house was strangely quiet.  He walked towards his room to change as Rose went into the kitchen, and he found the door to Dave’s room ajar.  He could see the shapes of Dave and Karkat packed into the bed.  He breathed a sigh of relief. He loved them both like brothers, but it would be easier to talk if they weren’t hovering around dropping quips and shouting insults.  After throwing on a new shirt and pair of jeans, he joined Rose in the kitchen.

“What’re you doing?” he asked, crinkling his nose against the smell that was filling the room.

“I was going to make grilled cheese,” she said, “but perhaps burnt cheese would be a more appropriate approximation of the food I’ve prepared.”

“Here,” John said, taking the skillet from her.  “Can you get a can of tomato soup out of the cupboard?”

She obliged, setting the can on the counter next to John.  “So,” she said as he rummaged below the counter for a saucepan, “your sexuality is your main concern about this potential night of loving.”

“Don’t call it that,” John said.  “...And yeah, I guess it is.”

“John, don’t you think it’s rather telling that your first issue is not whether Tavros took advantage of you in your inebriated, semi-conscious state, but whether you should start identifying as a homosexual?”

“It’s a big deal, though!” he insisted, dumping the soup into the saucepan.  “I mean, you’re into psychology and that sort of stuff!  Isn’t it important to know what sort of people you’re attracted to and why and, you know...I know what I’m into, and what I’m into isn’t guys!  Doing it with a dude changes _everything_.”

“Ah, so this is an issue of identity,” Rose said, watching him.

“Yeah, something like that,” he said, shrugging.

“So the possibility that you may have had sex with Tavros becomes an issue _if and only if_ it makes you a homosexual.”

He opened his mouth to reply, but after a second of thought, he paused.  Sighing, he shrugged again.  Rose waited for him to say something, and after shooting her a quick glance, he said, “I guess I should be more concerned about the passing-out-and-getting-taken-advantage-of stuff, shouldn’t I?”

“Yes, the date-rapey bit would usually be something of a concern, but if you don’t feel it is, then perhaps, in this case, it’s not,” she replied.  “Although, like I said before, there’s something telling in that.”

“Telling like...how?”

“Let’s just say you seem to trust Tavros quite a bit.”

“Okay, cool, I trust him,” John said, “but what about _me_?”

“That was about you, John.”

“But, I mean, about how I’m not attracted to guys, but now I guess I am.”

“So in this sexual fantasy in which Tavros takes advantage of you, you are a willing player and are in fact attracted to him?”

“It’s not a sexual fantasy!  It’s something that might be real, and that’s the problem!”

“Are you attracted to Tavros, John?”

“I don’t think so!”

“Let’s try a different approach: if Tavros were a girl, would you then be attracted to him?”

John paused and thought about it.  “Well...he wouldn’t be my normal type...”

“Just stick him in a dress,” Dave said, slipping into the kitchen and grabbing a bottle of apple juice from the refrigerator.  “I’m telling you, dude, that’s the solution to all your problems.  Troll in drag.”

“Yes, forcing Tavros to change his gender identity is clearly the best way to keep yours firmly intact, rendering your need to change and grow as a person entirely obsolete,” Rose agreed sardonically.

“There, see?  Even Rose says so,” Dave said.  He pointed at the grilled cheese.  “Are you gonna make us some?”

“Us?”

“Yeah, us,” Karkat said, slouching into the kitchen as well.  “Did you really think this attention-seeking mass of expertly concealed sadism would allow me to sleep after he’s woken up?”

“Guys, no offense, but...me and Rose are talking about something kind of personal,” John said.

“Oh, what, are we not good enough to hear your night-after sob-stories?” Karkat asked.

“No, it’s just...”

“He’s going on about the gay thing again,” Dave said, stealing the first grilled cheese and spooning some soup into a bowl.

“Sweet mother grub, Egbert, does it really fucking _matter_ that much?”

“Yes, it does!” John said.  “Just because you guys don’t mind playing for the other team doesn’t mean I want to!”

“We’re fucking trolls!” Karkat snapped.  “We don’t _have_ another team!”

“Karkat,” Rose said, “there are trolls who have specific gender preferences in their partners, aren’t there?”

“Well, yeah, but it’s not about having _sex_.”

“And neither is this,” Rose said.  “At least, not entirely.  There are far more intricate processes at play here, and John has a right to be confused about his own identity as a sexual being with specific preferences.”

“Yeah!” John agreed, putting the rest of the sandwiches on a plate and grabbing one for himself.

“So maybe Nitram’s on your radar when normally he wouldn’t be,” Dave said.  “That doesn’t mean you’re _gay_.”

“Dave has a point,” Rose said.  “Sexuality exists on a wide spectrum. You can always identify as bisexual with a strong preference for women. Or straight with a case-specific attraction to a troll who expresses his gender as male.”

“Okay, whatever all that means, but...why _him_?” John asked.  “It’s not like he's any exception as a guy! He's not girly or anything.  He looks like a guy, and he mostly acts like a guy—“

“Okay, that’s debatable,” Dave said.  “What are we considering masculine here, because he sure as hell isn’t the manliest dude on the block.”

Karkat snorted.  “By human gender standards, he’s more stereotypically feminine than most of the troll women you know.”

“John, have you considered that your apparent attraction to Tavros goes beyond basic gendered traits and mannerisms and has little to do with his physical characteristics?” Rose offered.

“I never said I was attracted to him!”

“Does he engage you in ways your other romantic interests haven't?”

“What does that even _mean_?”

“John, okay, so you might be attracted to Nitram,” Dave said, ignoring John’s protests, “and we could sit here all day and night psychoanalyzing you, but that’s only going to make everything more confusing.  Why don’t you just go try it out?”

“What do you mean, ‘try it out?’” John asked.

“Yes, enlighten us,” Rose said, raising an eyebrow.

“You know...ride the bull.”

“Holy fuck, Strider, you’re a dumbass,” Karkat said.  “Why do you even talk?”

“Yeah, Dave, that’s definitely not sounding like the best plan right now,” John agreed.

“No, hear me out!” Dave said.  “You don’t have to full-on bone him if that’s not your thing, but think about going on a date or two to your favorite bullshit stand-up comedy routine, maybe having a candlelit dinner under the stars, throw in a kiss, a cuddle...get a bit romantic with him and see if you like it.”

“He doesn’t want romance, you ignorant turd!  Haven’t you been listening at all?” Karkat said.  “This is a black relationship.”

“Yes, and that is something we should be taking into consideration, isn’t it?” Rose said.

“Wait, okay, but...” John interrupted.  “I mean, that’s all great and all, and I think I got the black thing down, kind of...but...if we were to try it out, him being a guy, and guys do certain things, so...”  His blush deepened, and he fumbled for words until he blurted, “what if he, you know...wants to do _that_?”

“That?”

“Could you get any more specific?” Karkat asked.

“Oh, wait, I get it,” Dave said.  “This is about the pegging thing, isn’t it?”

“Pegging thing?” Karkat asked, turning towards Dave as John nodded.

“John,” Rose said, sighing, “like we’ve said before, sexually speaking, Tavros is no different than Vriska or any other troll.  The ‘pegging thing’ shouldn’t be any more of an issue with him than it was in your previous relationship.”

“But he’s a guy troll, so...”

“All I’m saying, dude, is don’t knock it until you try it,” Dave said, shrugging.

“I don’t _want_ —wait, you—?”

“What is pegging?” Karkat interrupted angrily.

“It’s when a guy takes one for the team from his girl.”

“ _What team_?!”

“Come here, Karkat,” Rose said, and she whispered an unnecessarily colorful description into his ear.  John kept his eyes glued on Dave and gestured towards Karkat with a small nod, and Dave flashed him an almost imperceivable smirk.   

“So what you’re trying to tell me,” Karkat said, turning away from Rose with a small blush on his cheeks, “is that you dated Serket for _months_ and never let her—“

“ _Yes_ ,” John said.

“How?!”

“Come on, guys, do we really have to get this personal?” John asked.  “It’s not really fair to Vriska for me to talk about this kind of stuff, so...”

“If _he_ can broadcast the saucy details of our relationship to everyone in the room without _my_ consent, then what the hell do I care about Serket?” Karkat snapped, pointing at Dave.  “An eye for a fucking eye, Egbert. Fill us in on all the juicy gossip.”

“Ugh, _okay,_ ” John said, cradling his head, “I didn’t want to, so we didn’t.”

“She just let it be?  Just like that?  No give and take?” Karkat asked.

“I mean, she got a bit _pushy_ about it sometimes, yeah, but...okay, it took me like a month to get her to leave me alone about it,” he admitted. 

“What the hell did you expect?” Karkat asked.  “That’s a big part of the intimacy!  Sometimes you want to go one way, and sometimes you want to go the other, and you have to work with your partner to keep things even!”

“Not if you’re a human guy!” John said.  “Or, I guess some human guys go for that, but not me.  See, this is the problem.” He sighed. “I just don’t want to do that, and I don’t want to have to deal with a guy troll about it.  He’s just going to be so much more annoying...”

“You have no basis for that accusation, John,” Rose said.  “You’re comparing male trolls to male humans.  There is no reason that is inherently tied to his gender for Tavros to be any more aggressive than Vriska about sexual acts of this nature.”

“You know what I think is wrong with you, John?” Karkat said.  “I think you’re just really fucking confused, and even after dating a troll for however long you two managed to keep that doomed relationship afloat, you still don’t know a thing about the people you wanna fuck.”

“Just do it, man,” Dave said.  “Give it a go.  If it doesn’t work, that’s life.”

John hesitated, and Rose suggested, “John, why don’t you just ask him?”

“Ask him what?” he asked, glancing at her.

“How it went,” she said.  “If you had sex, ask him how it went.  Maybe you liked it.  Maybe you didn’t, and he backed off.  Maybe he’s as confused as you are.  Perhaps the best thing to do right now is to be honest and upfront with him.”

He sighed.  “You guys are probably right.  I guess...I should probably actually confront the issue at the source, huh.”

“That’s the spirit,” Karkat said.  “Now come here, I have some advice that’s actually from an actual troll.”

“What, you can’t talk in here?” Dave asked as Karkat grabbed John and dragged him into the living room, and Karkat snapped a retort over his shoulder before pushing John out the door.

“Do we have to be outside?” John whined, shielding his sensitive eyes from the sun.

“Listen, Egbert,” Karkat said. “I don’t mean to shit on your human sentimentalities or your primitive grasp of romance, but there’s some serious things you should know about this sort of relationship before you get too involved.”

“How involved is too involved?” John asked.

“You’re already too involved,” Karkat answered.  “I’m going to be brief because I don’t think for a second that Strider is going to let us talk out here by ourselves for longer than five minutes.  If you get in a black relationship with Tavros, you have _got_ to accept the fact that he’s going to have another, more traditionally human love relationship with someone else.  Trolls need black relationships because they make us act—hate is an excellent motivator, as you’ve clearly found out from your weird war with Nitram.  But we also need red relationships.  We need the security and the reassurance of a lover.  Keeping in mind that Nitram is spineless and has no discernible self-confidence, if he gets heavy and hateful with you, it won’t be long before he seeks affection and affirmation from someone else.  He can’t handle the heat of someone’s hate without someone else to build him up in the aftermath, okay?”

“Wait, but...” John said, processing Karkat’s statement, “what about you and Dave?  You don’t have someone else.  I thought trolls could be monogamous if they really wanted to.”

“I’m special,” Karkat explained.  “I’m in a serious caliginous relationship with myself.”

“Whatever that means,” John said, laughing.

“Shut up.  Besides—and don’t you fucking dare tell Strider I said this—some trolls vacillate with a single partner.  Dave can be an absolute shit, and that helps keep me on my toes.”

“Maybe—assuming that Tavros and I actually become a thing, which isn’t something that’s guaranteed yet!—maybe we could do that.”

“Fucking please, John, do you really think any and every troll has the ability to pull this sort of thing off like I can?  I’m a fucking genius when it comes to shit like this, so don’t go in with any expectations that Nitram is going to be doing things the same way.”

“But Vriska didn’t have another partner!”

“Not when she was dating you, at least.  And even if she did, you’d probably accept it better, because her other partner would be caliginous.  It would appear to you that she hated the other person, and since humans are all about love and affection, it wouldn’t seem like she was being unfaithful.  If Nitram gets a matesprit, it’ll look like a human relationship.  You’ll feel like you’re the lover on the side because you’re the hate partner, and humans are too narrow-minded to understand how valuable hate partners actually are.” 

“Well, gosh,” John said, “this is a lot more than I bargained for!  I don’t know if I can do it...”

“Do whatever the hell you want,” Karkat said.  “But think before you get into it.”

John sighed, and, after a moment of contemplation, he said, “I think Tavros has something with Gamzee.”

Karkat hesitated for a beat and said, “I don’t know what the hell is going on with them, but Gamzee’s definitely pushing that direction.”

“That...that could be weird,” John admitted.

“We don’t know yet if Nitram’s into it.  Anyways, the asshole’s mostly harmless,” Karkat said.  “Except when he’s low on sopor, but that’s what I’m around for.”

“I don’t even want to know,” John groaned.  “Man, today’s been way too much.”

Karkat patted him on the shoulder.  “It’s just a crush,” he said.  “Take it easy.  You can’t fuck it up too bad if you don’t take it too seriously.”

“Rose is right,” John said.  “I just have to talk to him.  But...I think, right now, I’m going to get out of the sun and lay down for a bit.”

“Good idea.”


	10. But my body...my body's definitely telling me 'yes'

John thought it was strange that the front door was locked, but when he entered and called Dave’s name, nobody answered.

“Huh,” he said.  “That’s weird.  He doesn’t go out during the day.”

“He’s with my roommate, I think,” Tavros explained, following him in and taking off his coat.  “Him and Karkat.  They’ve been hanging out some.”

“No offense, dude, but I don’t think I like your roommate much,” John said.

“He’s...okay, mostly, but he’s sometimes pretty cocky, but sometimes he’s not at all, because he’s got bipolar disorder, so sometimes he has, uh, mood changes, or something, which last a long time and get a little, um...sad.”

“Trolls can have bipolar disorder?”

Tavros shot him a look and said, “Yes, obviously.  Maybe you’ve come to accept that we’re basically superior to humans in every way, but remember, we aren’t gods, and we’re not all perfect.”

“God, okay, no need to be so sassy about it,” John said.  “Jeez.”

Tavros turned away to hide his pleased smile, mumbling something about John or the jibe underneath his breath, and John rolled his eyes.  “I can hear you,” he said, even though he couldn't.

“I, uhhh...was asking if you wanted me to, um, make food, or something.”

John opened his mouth to respond but froze with a flash of sudden revelation.  The house was empty for once.  He had been meaning for almost two weeks to find a good opportunity to talk to Tavros, but every time he felt the urge to bridge the topic of the house party night, he lost resolve at the last minute and let the moment pass.  With an empty house and a free afternoon, he felt that conditions were finally perfect for an old-fashioned confrontation.  He just needed to set everything up to ensure it ran smoothly and completely in his favor.  “Actually...” he said, “no, I’m not feeling very hungry.”

“Okay, good, because I wasn’t going to actually make you anything,” Tavros responded, moving into the living room.

“What’re you doing?” John asked as Tavros plopped down onto the couch.  Things were already going wrong.  The living room was too open for him to face the issue.  He was already starting to feel jittery about the upcoming conversation, and the multiple entryways and proximity to the front door made him feel more vulnerable than he liked.

Tavros looked up at him as he drew his chemistry book from his backpack.  “Um, preparing to do our work, like we always do?”

“Why in here, though?  The living room’s a crappy place to do homework!”

“But, uh, your roommates aren’t here, being loud and generally distracting, so it shouldn’t matter whether we do work in here or in your room.”

“No, dude, it matters.  This is a fun space.  You know, for watching awesome movies and stuff.  We can’t pollute this area with anything but public entertainment activities,” John said, grabbing Tavros’s book and backpack.  “C’mon, we’re working in my room.”

“But, I could've swore we’ve done work in here before,” Tavros said with a frown, following him down the hall.

“Nope!  You’re just imagining things,” John responded as he dumped Tavros’s things on the floor in a corner of the room, which elicited a chirrup of annoyance from Tavros.  “But, hey, let’s not start working yet.”

With dismay, John noticed Tavros’s eyes narrow.  “Why?” he asked.

“Well, I was just thinking that maybe we could hang out.  You know, have a friendly bro to bro chat about things.”

“No.”

“What?” John said.  “But you didn’t even ask what I wanted to talk about!  Come on, dude, at least pretend to play along.”

“Why should I?”

“Because that’s what you do,” John said, rolling his eyes.  “I suggest we do something friendly, and then you ask me what I actually want.  That’s how it always goes.”

“Well, maybe this time, I don’t want to play your silly games, in which you try to get me to fall into your verbal traps, and then I say things I regret saying later.”

“But this is an _important_ verbal trap!”

“About what?”

John blushed.  “Oh, gosh, um...okay, so I guess we’ll just get into it.  Sit down,” he said, gesturing towards the bed, and Tavros glared at him hard for a second before following his instructions.  John waited for him to get comfortable, standing a safe distance across the room, before he continued, “I was just wondering—and this is a serious question!—how, uh...how the sex was.”

“The sex...with Vriska?” Tavros asked, and John could see the indignation building in his expression.

“No!  No, the, uh, the, you know...the sex with me.”

John watched Tavros’s face, maintaining eye contact despite the hot blush that was now burning across his face and neck.  Tavros looked dumbfounded.  “Did we...” he asked, also beginning to blush, “did we, um, have sex?  Because, uh, I think that would be something I’d remember us doing, if we, um, did...”

John’s insides iced over.  After two weeks of waiting and wondering, second guessing every impulse he had towards Tavros and gradually building up the assumption that he was probably attracted to him—after restless nights spent accepting his new identity as an apparent bisexual, despite Rose and Dave’s exasperated assurances that he didn’t have to go that far—it turned out it was just a big misunderstanding after all.

“So, wait, but...” John said, searching for something to prove him wrong, “the night of the party, I went to your dorm, and when I woke up, I was in your bed, in my underwear...that wasn’t because we, you know...?”

Tavros’s eyes grew as he caught on and he sputtered, “N-n-no!  That, uh—you were drunk, so my bed, the bottom one, was logical—for you to sleep in, I mean—while I slept on top, since my roommate wasn’t coming back, and, um, your clothes, because they were gross, I helped you take them off, but, it wasn’t—you didn’t really think...?”

“Well—!  Anyone would think so!” John said.  “I mean, the evidence pointed that way!”

Tavros’s frazzled discomposure gave way to indignation, and he said, “I’m not that kind of troll!  By which, I mean the kind that takes advantage of people—terrible, awful, mean humans included—when they are incapacitated, or otherwise can’t defend themselves, or at any point in time, actually, when they don’t want to participate in activities of mutual, um, intimacy.  I’m not like Vriska, and the rest of the more selfish trolls, who always take what they want no matter what!”

“No, that’s not...” John said, holding up his hands as a gesture of pacification, “I wasn’t accusing you of that!  I just wanted to know that, well...nothing really happened?  We didn’t do anything, you know, sexual?”

“You really do think I’m a pervert!” Tavros accused with outrage and apparent hurt.

“That’s not what I meant!” John said with frustration.  He ran his hand through his hair, avoiding Tavros’s angry eyes, and said, “So, nothing then, right?  Not even a drunk cuddle?  No stolen kiss or _anything_?”

Tavros visibly froze, and John’s eyes shot to his.  His entire face turned bronze and he stuttered, “Th-that, well, uh, maybe something like that, um, maybe happened, but it wasn’t...it wasn’t supposed to be something perverted, like what you might think...”  He looked away, guilt and shame written painfully on his face.

As he stared at Tavros, John could feel a connection snapping into place in his mind.  He knew that there was supposed to be a definite difference between the platonic hate humans understood and the romantic hate Tavros felt as a troll, but it was hard for him to imagine the trolls' point of view. No matter how many times and ways people tried to explain romantic hate to him, he couldn't understand the real significance of those emotions.  But he saw it now, on Tavros’s face—that was it.  That was the attachment Karkat was talking about. Not love, but not completely unlike love, either.

After a beat of hesitation, he squared his shoulders and strolled over to the bed to sit next to Tavros.  His heart was jack-hammering against his ribcage so hard he could hardly breathe.  Exhaling slowly, he slid his hand over and laid his fingers gently on top of Tavros’s.

Glancing over, he could see the shock trill up Tavros’s body.  He almost thought he saw his mohawk ruffle with the force of the tremble.  They sat in absolute silence like that for at least five minutes, quelling the uncomfortable churning in their innards and stubbornly avoiding each other’s eyes, mostly to maintain the thin illusion of composure they were allowing the other to have.

  
  


“I’m not really gay,” John finally said.  “Not usually.”

“I know that,” Tavros responded.  “About human males, I mean, because human reproduction requires, um, the attraction of males to females, so it only makes sense.”

“Obviously I know why human males like human females,” John said with a slight rise in volume.

“I, uh, wasn’t suggesting that you didn’t know, by stating the facts,” Tavros responded, matching his increase, “but, um, it’s just interesting, I think, that human males, like you and Dave, will become attracted to aliens, which you mostly can’t reproduce with, but not other guys, which are basically off-limits for the same reasons as aliens.”

“I...” John said, but he paused when he registered the logic in Tavros's statement. Anything he had planned to say hiccuped in his mind. Dropping his volume a notch, he said, “I never thought about it that way.”

“No, I know, because you’re dense,” Tavros said, adding, “and also because Jade told me.”

“Jade...” John grumbled.

“By which, I don’t mean to make her seem untrustworthy,” Tavros said, finally glancing at John.  “I think, when pushed, she says things that are facts, which she hopes will be helpful to use in, uh, making sense of situations and maintaining peace, but which she doesn’t know could be used for argumentative purposes, which makes it not her fault.”

“I know,” John said, the volume of his voice finally returning to a normal level.  They fell silent for a painful moment.

“If, uh...” Tavros said, but he stopped to clear his throat as his voice jumped a pitch.  He paused, composing himself, and he asked, “Why are you touching me?”

“Well...” John said, “I thought, you know...that you liked me.  Not like, as in love-like, but the weird troll like where you don’t like me but still want to get it on.”

“This...is this a trick?” Tavros asked with a slight note of torment, and John felt a wave of panic as he began to withdraw his hand.  “Because, if it is, it’s not funny, and I want you to stop.” 

“No!” John said, turning and finally looking Tavros in the eyes.  His breathe hitched as they made eye contact.  All of Tavros’s uncertainty and reservations were written across his face, and in response, all of John’s hit him in the gut.  He stumbled over his words, trying to explain his intentions but finding it hard to translate them into something he himself could understand, let alone Tavros, a member of an alien race with an entirely separate set of rules for an entirely foreign form of romance, and his hand clenched more tightly around Tavros’s.  “This is what I wanted to talk about,” he finally managed.  “Okay?  Because I’ve been learning a lot about the hate thing, and I’ve been getting some advice from friends, and I’ve been thinking that maybe I’m not totally straight all the way.  Well, not even really that...oh man, how do I even put this...I’m just saying, I could be up for trying new things, but I guess I’m still nervous about it!  So that’s why I wanted to know if we did it when I was drunk, because maybe you could tell me if I liked it or not, since I can’t tell if I might.  Maybe I might, I don’t know, but just knowing that I might...it bothers me that I don’t know, and I do want to know, it’s just hard to figure out by myself.  So that’s why I’m touching you.”

He and Tavros eyed each other, each fighting personal battles against their apprehension and hesitation.  Tavros bit his lower lip and said, “I don’t...I don’t believe you, not really, um, because this...I think you’re, uh, just messing with me, but on a new level of intensity, where you exploit my, uh, more personal weaknesses—“

“ _I’m not!_   I’m serious.  Look, I’m trying,” John insisted.  “I really am trying.  I know I’ve been an ass in the past, and frankly, I intend to continuing being an ass in the future, because it’s fun.  But now is not one of those times!  I need you to understand that.  This is really hard for me to do, okay?  If you think you’re nervous about this, just imagine how I feel.  I’m not even supposed to be gay!”

Tavros’s gaze faltered and he looked away.  “...I told myself, a long time ago, that, um, this...this was not something to expect, or to hope for, in any way.”

To John’s surprise, his heart tightened with sympathy.  “Dude, don’t do that,” he said.  “The worst thing you can do is give up.  When you hope for something really hard, that makes it a little more likely to become true.”

Tavros started and glanced back at him, and some of the anxiety dropped from his face in his astonishment.  John took advantage of his moment of weakness and leaned into the no-man’s land between them, pulling Tavros’s hand closer to him.  “I’ve been worrying really hard about this, so don’t flake out on me, okay?  We need to work this out.”

“Wh-what—“ Tavros stuttered, his eyes darting down to his hand and up to John’s eyes, and, swallowing shakily, he asked, “what do you want to do?”

It was John’s turn to waver, and, his mind racing between all the ways he imagined the confrontation proceeding and the things he had discussed with Rose and Dave, he opened and closed his mouth a few times before shrugging.  “We could...gosh, okay, maybe we could make out a little, just to see if it’s something we’re okay with—if you’re up to that, of course!”

“Okay,” Tavros said immediately.

John went blank.  “Wow, that...you sure agreed to that quickly!”

“You, uh, said you wanted my help, right?” Tavros replied, blushing.  “So, since you are clearly in a compromised position, it would be foolish of me, as your adversary—which you have, um, clearly recognized as an adversary, and not as an object of affection, I hope—it would be foolish of me to not, uh, take ruthless advantage of your moment of uncertainty.”

“Oh my god, shut up,” John said, rolling his eyes.  “Maybe you shouldn’t talk while we do this.”

“You can’t ask me to make out with you and then tell me not to talk,” Tavros said with indignation.

“Okay, whatever, just...come here,” John said, turning towards Tavros.  Tavros bristled and leaned away, eyeing him.  “Come _on,_ you were all excited like two seconds ago!”

“I wasn’t excited,” Tavros said, but he turned towards John as well.

As he leaned towards Tavros, John’s heart pounded against his ribcage so hard it sent shockwaves into his stomach, and his mouth went dry.  Tavros watched him warily, his own nervousness so apparent in his body language that he seemed to shrink.  He lifted his chin to give John a better angle, but his eyes continued to dart across John’s face with a jittery energy that bespoke his agitation.  The passage of time was agony, their bodies were hot enough to turn hydrogen into helium, and in the end, nothing happened.

“I can’t do it,” John said, sighing.  “Not with you watching me like that.”

“Watching you...like what?” Tavros asked, remembering to breathe again.

“Like that!” John repeated, gesturing towards Tavros’s face.  “Look, this is difficult for me.  I’m trying to figure out something about myself, okay?  And I don’t want you staring me down while I do it!”

“I’m not staring you down.”

“Yes, you are!  You’re making this so uncomfortable.  It feels like I’m getting graded or something.”  John dropped his head into his hands and groaned.  “Why is this so _hard_?”

“It’s not hard, it’s just that you’re too much of a cluckbeast, or, uh, an earth chicken, to do it,” Tavros said.

“You’re not doing any better than I am!” John retorted.  “You’re just sitting there like a cornered baby rabbit.  It’s so off-putting.”

“So...we’re not going to make out then?”

“No, we _are_ doing this!” John said.  “We _are_ going to make this happen, damn it!  But something has to change...”  He examined Tavros critically, and an idea popped into his head.  “Wait here,” he said, darting over to his chest.  He rummaged through it for a few minutes before pulling out a black strip of cloth.

“What’s that?” Tavros asked as John returned to the bed.

“It’s a blindfold,” John explained, holding it out to him.  “Here, put it on.”

Tavros’s face flushed bronze and he stammered, “N-no, why?  That’s—!  And you think I’m the pervert!”

“It’s not for perverted reasons!” John snapped.  “Clearly you are the pervert if that’s the first thing you think about!  I just don’t want you _looking_ at me.”

“What if I want to look at you?” Tavros asked.

“Well, it’s fine that you know what you want, but I don’t, so my needs trump yours,” John said.

“I think that you need to deal with it, without resorting to cheap tricks, especially ones that put me at a clear disadvantage,” Tavros said.  “You act like you’ve never made out with anyone before, which I know you have, since you dated Vriska, who, by the way, thinks I’m a better kisser than you.”

“Wait, _what_?” John asked.  “How would you know?”

“She told me,” he answered, and he glowed with triumph.

“Bullshit!”

“No, it’s true.  We, um, went to the Starbucks last week, on Wednesday, and we...talked about you, a little bit.”

“Oh, and then did you make out, just to be sure?” John sneered.

“Uh, no, we were just trying to be friendly again,” Tavros responded, “but, the point is, I’m a really good kisser, apparently, so you should stop being nervous and just kiss me.”

“Nope!” John said, and before Tavros could react, he lunged forward and wrapped the blindfold around his eyes.  Tavros, despite his protestations, did little to fight him. He allowed Tavros to push him away as soon as he had the knot tied.  “There, that’s much better,” he said.  “Now, where were we?”

“I think I was getting ready to leave,” Tavros said, but he made no move to remove the blindfold.

“Can you see me?” John asked, leaning down to look underneath the cloth.

“...No.”

“Great!  So...hmm,” John said, looking Tavros over.  It was wonderful how much more uninhibited he felt now that he had nearly complete control of the situation and wasn’t under Tavros’s scrutiny.  He had more freedom to breathe, take things slowly, work it out, and get comfortable.  He exhaled and scooted a little closer.  Carefully, he lifted his hands and set them on the collar of Tavros’s over-shirt.  Tavros flinched, but he didn’t protest.  John watched him bite his lip as he drew the shirt open and over his shoulders.

“What are you doing?” Tavros asked, but John didn’t answer.  His hands ghosted down Tavros’s arms, pulling the over-shirt down to his wrists and leaving it there.  Butterflies fluttered in his stomach as he felt the muscles of Tavros’s forearms.  Not only were they a clear reminder that Tavros was not a girl, but they also proved to be far more solid than John expected, eliciting an instant emotional response that was more akin to envious appreciation than sexual arousal.

John frowned.  Tavros was not supposed to be strong.  He didn’t _look_ strong, in any case. He seemed too lean to build muscle, especially not more muscle than John had, and the sudden realization that Tavros might be tougher than he appeared grated on John’s sensibilities.  His competitive nature peeked out from underneath his tension and reminded him why Tavros was so often on his mind.

“You suck,” he said, taking Tavros by surprise.  Tavros opened his mouth to complain, and John lunged forward, engaging him in an aggressive kiss.  Tavros stiffened, and John felt a flash of uncertainty.  He pulled away, breathless and blushing.  “I thought you were a good kisser,” he scoffed, glad that the blindfold hid how flustered the short kiss had made him.

“Well, uh, I thought _you_ wanted to make out,” Tavros retorted.  “If that’s how you make out, then I think I know why Vriska broke up with you.”

“You’re being kinda mean, don’t you think?” John said, frowning.

Tavros scowled and replied, “I’m supposed to be mean, you ass.  I’m not your happy human boyfriend.”  He paused and then added, less surely, “And, uh, besides, theoretically, provoking you by taunting you about your last relationship, especially when it concerns your, uh, sexual prowess, should make you angry, and then cause you to discredit my claims by actively proving me wrong, which, uh...is the goal, right now, right?”

John repressed a laugh.  “You sure did explain that,” he said.  “...And anyway, you’re more like a girlfriend than a boyfriend.”

“What?  No—“

“It’s cool, though.  I can do girlfriends!” John said, leaning forward and kissing him again.  He let the sensation sink in this time, allowing Tavros enough time to relax into the kiss and respond.  John expected Tavros to increase the pace and add a hint of aggression, but he was surprisingly gentle and, even more surprisingly, worth his word.  He let John stay within his comfort zone, permitting him to pace their breathing and their audacity, supplementing John’s guidance by varying the pressure of their lips and where they landed.  John closed his eyes, focusing on the electric feeling in his lips as Tavros coaxed him into lightening the kiss and then into deepening it.  Tavros ran his hand through his hair, pulling him closer, and he brought his hands up to the nape of Tavros’s neck in response.  A heady heat was beginning to pulse through his body, and he could feel a similar heat radiating from Tavros, who, he noticed, was several degrees warmer than Vriska.  He cracked his eyes open and was surprised to find Tavros peeking out from beneath the blindfold, lifting one corner with his free hand.

“Hey!” he said, breaking the kiss.

“Sorry!” Tavros said, dropping the blindfold.  “I won’t do it again.”

John studied him for a moment, and he said, “You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to.”

“But...if it makes you more comfortable this way, I think it’s probably okay.”

“Seriously, dude, if you don’t like it, you can take it off.”

“I like it better this way than, uh...than when you don’t kiss me, so...”  He trailed off, blushing bronze again.

John smiled slowly.  “That’s cute.”

“No, it’s not!” Tavros said.  “Aren’t you supposed to be, um, confused about your human sexuality, and using this time to explore it thoroughly, to be sure this is something that, uh, you’re comfortable doing, instead of teasing me about something you probably don’t really understand anyway?”

“Yeah, you’re right,” John agreed.  “So why don’t you take off your shirt.”

“You want...” Tavros began to ask, but he stopped with a grimace and reached up to undo the snaps on his shoulder.  Once the collar was wide enough, he drew the shirt over his head, taking pains to keep it from catching on his horns.

“I was wondering how that works,” John commented once he was finished.

“It’s not that hard,” Tavros said.

John ignored him, looking over his torso.  He noticed with relief that Tavros was not secretly a body builder.  He was just slightly more toned than John imagined he would be, and his build was lean and narrow.  Sadly, there were no breasts, but John found himself oddly at peace with that fact.  It was probably because of the strange scars that ran up his side—mementos of trolls’ pupations as children, Vriska had told him once.  Looking at Tavros’s scars, which seemed slightly less alien than Vriska’s bluer marks, reminded John that he was dealing with an alien, whose physical rules were different than those that governed humans.  He reached out and touched them, relishing the way the stretched skin shifted beneath his fingertips.  He had always loved the way it felt, and the sensation reminded him of Vriska and how he would run his hands down her torso.  He repressed the thought, but not before it affected the state of his arousal for the better.

Tavros placed his hands on John’s shoulders as John moved a little closer.  He stroked John’s collarbone, clearly waiting for some sign of sanction from John before doing anything else.  Smiling, John leaned forward and kissed him, running one hand slowly along his scarred side and bringing the other up to stroke his horn.  Like he expected him to, Tavros gasped, and John tried hard not to grin as he swiped his tongue against Tavros’s lower lip.  Tavros, in response, grew bolder with his hands, skipping John’s clothed torso to pull at the hem of his shirt.  John took off his glasses, and, with his cooperation, Tavros pulled his shirt over his head.  John shivered as Tavros ran his fingertips gently along the nondescript curves of his abdomen.

Tavros pulled away as he felt John’s breath on his lips again.  “How far—” he stuttered, pausing to gain control of his voice before finishing, “how far are we going to go, um...before I go too far?”

“For a dude that hates me, you sure are polite,” John said, chuckling.  Not without a touch of pride, he noticed that Tavros was visibly worked up.  There was a familiar tightness in his pants, which was a little less alarming on him than it was on Vriska.  “How far do you want to go?”

“I, uh...it doesn’t matter to me,” Tavros said.  “You’re the one who, um, might get nervous or overwhelmed, so...”

“I won’t get overwhelmed,” John said.  “But...I think we should make it clear right now, before we continue that...I’m a guy, so everything down there is a one-way street, if you know what I mean.  As in, I’m not going to be taking any alien dick in the butt, okay?”

Tavros grimaced and responded, “Obviously I know that, just like anyone who knows anything about human reproduction would.”

“...Oh,” John said.  “Wait, so...you’re cool with it?”

“Yes, I guess, since coupling with a human means taking into account human sexual intercourse and, uh, its compatibility with troll intercourse, which is different but not so much as to be unmanageable, I think.”

“Oh,” John said again.  “In that case...I’ll get the bucket.”

“Wa—what?” Tavros stuttered as John got off the bed and walked to his closet.  He kept his bucket hidden behind a box of junk, mostly at the prompting of his troll guests, who never could feel comfortable with the normal earth usage of a bucket.  Even he and Dave began to treat buckets like condoms after a while, and they began to scold each other when their respective buckets were too visible.  Grabbing it, he returned to the bedside and noticed with a smirk that Tavros was attempting to conceal his erection.  He made sure that Tavros wasn’t peeking from underneath his blindfold, and he set the bucket on the floor near his feet as loudly as he could.  Tavros jumped and swallowed thickly.

“We, uh, we don’t have to, um, go this far, if it’s too much,” he stammered.  John’s smirk grew, and he slipped off his pants.

“But Dave said this was the best way to do it,” John responded.  He brushed his fingertips across Tavros’s cheek with one hand, and with the other, he steadied himself on Tavros’s shoulder as he straddled him on the bed.  “I mean, if we want to know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m attracted to you.”

“Clearly you are attracted to me,” Tavros said with fragile bravado, but his facade was shattered when he placed his hands on John’s hips and found nothing but the thin fabric of his boxers between him and his skin.

“We’ll find out,” John said, pushing Tavros onto his back.  He held him down as he pressed his erection against Tavros’s, which was something Vriska had always liked, and Tavros, inhaling breathily, lifted his hips to increase the pressure.  “Whoa, wait a minute,” John said, letting go and sitting up abruptly.  He reached back and grabbed Tavros’s thigh.  “Wha—oh, yeah!”

“Did you forget?” Tavros asked.  He was trying to seem nonchalant, but his voice was husky with arousal and his hands unconsciously kneaded the muscle along John’s hipbones.

“Yeah!” John said, moving off of Tavros.  Tavros dropped his hands with poorly concealed disappointment.  “So, how does this work, then?  Are they attached to you permanently?  Can I take them off?”

“What? No!” Tavros responded.  “You don’t...why would you want to?”

“Wait, just stay there,” John commanded as Tavros began to sit up.  Tavros grimaced and fell back.  John poked along Tavros’s leg, examining his face.  “Can you feel that?”

“They’re made of metal, asshole."

“Where do they end?” John asked.  “Your junk’s not made of metal, too, is it?”

“No, you ignoramus. That sort of, uh, organ, and the organs that aren’t related to sexual activities that are in that area as well, are too difficult to reconstruct—“  He inhaled abruptly as John poked him dangerously close to his crotch where the metal met his skin.

“I found where they end,” John said, smirking to himself.  He pressed along the seam through Tavros’s jeans, following the metal as it curved up along Tavros’s hipbones.  “How’s it work?  Is your butt metal too?”

“...A bit...” Tavros mumbled.  John looked over at his face, and even with the blindfold covering his eyes, he could tell he was humiliated.  He swallowed the rest of his questions and instead reached over and undid the button of Tavros’s pants.

Tavros immediately began to protest, but John was expecting it and insisted, “Don’t worry, dude!  I just want to see your legs.”  Tavros closed his mouth, but his hands still hovered unsurely above his waist as John yanked at his pants.  “Lift your butt some,” John ordered, and Tavros hesitantly humored him.  He suppressed a yelp as John jerked his boxers down as well, and he immediately covered his exposed bulge with his hands.

John stared down at Tavros’s pelvis without shame.  The skin was scarred a textured bronze where it met the metal, creating an almost steampunk impression, and the line they formed dipped straight into the valley of Tavros’s crotch, which was hidden beneath Tavros’s hands.  John felt his face heat up as he eyed the shaded skin beneath Tavros’s fingers.

“It looks like Vriska’s arm,” he finally said. "But cooler, because your blood color kinda looks like copper. It looks artsy."

“Uh, thanks? If they look similar, it's probably because it was the same guy who did it, I found out,” Tavros said.  “You...you, um, should probably stop, uh, staring, which I know is what you’re doing.”

“Why?”

“Because, it’s making me, uh, a little uncomfortable, even though I can’t see you...It’s just not really a place I, uh, want to be stared at...”

“Okay, okay,” John conceded.  “Let’s do this instead.”

“Do wha—“ Tavros began, but he fell speechless as John placed a hand on top of his.  “Whoa, whoa, wait, this is, um...”

John straddled him again, keeping his hand firmly on top of Tavros’s, and he leaned forward.  “Shh,” he whispered as seductively as he could muster into Tavros’s ear.  He wormed his fingers around Tavros’s first hand and pried it up.  Tavros shivered beneath him, breathing in shallow bursts, and John shushed him again, pressing his lips against his temple.

“That—” Tavros stammered as John gripped his other hand, “that’s not something—not something you should do, in this situation, with me...”

“What?” John asked, his own breath hitching as his fingertips brushed Tavros’s bulge.  Tavros relented and allowed him to slip his hand beneath his, and John’s erection twitched as he felt the familiar sensation of a bulge against his palm.

“The—the shushing, that’s, uh, not—“  He trailed off and bit his lip.

“Dude,” John said, chuckling breathily, “don’t worry about it right now.  Relax.  You’re the one who really wanted this, right?”

“You wanted it,” Tavros said in a weak protest, lifting his hips as John stroked the span of his bulge, slowly acclimating to his length and thickness.

“Yeah,” John agreed, “I think you’re right.”

He brushed his lips against Tavros’s, and Tavros's hand immediately lifted to rake through his hair, deepening the kiss.  With his other hand, Tavros tugged John’s boxers down, laying bare his ass and erection.  A wave heat pulsed through John as Tavros hesitantly touched his dick.

Tavros broke the kiss.  “I-I don’t...I don’t know how to, uh, use a human...male...” he mumbled.

Despite his insistent arousal, John laughed.  “I guess I’m at an advantage, then,” he said.  “But, I should warn you that it’s been a few months.”

“I know,” Tavros said.  “It’s fine.”

“So I’m doing okay?” John teased, sliding his hand down Tavros’s bulge and rubbing his fingers over the entrance of Tavros’s nook.

“Mm—!” Tavros responded, arching his back.  He gripped John’s erection and toyed with it, but he quickly became self-conscious.  “Tell me what to do,” he pleaded.

“Like this,” John said, wrapping his free hand around Tavros’s.  He slowly guided Tavros’s hand up and down, accustoming him to the motion.  Feeling a moan bubble up, he bent forward and kissed Tavros again.  While he continued to jack himself off with Tavros’s hand, he traced the entrance of Tavros’s nook and slid a finger inside.  Tavros’s body was so much warmer than Vriska’s, and John felt himself grow hotter as he imagined the sort of difference the change in temperature would make.

“Stop,” he instructed Tavros after pulling away from the kiss with some difficulty.  He knew he didn’t need to say anything, as his hand was still controlling Tavros’s, but it felt appropriate.  He let go of Tavros’s hand and reached up to pull the blindfold off of Tavros’s face.  “Do you want to...?” he asked.

“...Yes,” Tavros said, blinking against the light.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Are you _really_ sure?”

“ _Yes_ , I am really, definitely sure, so, uh...do it.”

“Okay,” John said.  With mutual hesitation, they shifted together, and after a frustrating minute, they finally found a position they were both comfortable with.  John leaned over Tavros, supporting himself with one arm and holding one of Tavros’s thighs with the other.  Tavros stayed on his back, watching him shyly.

“You don’t, uh, want me to not look at you?” he asked.

“No, it’s fine,” John said, straightening up and balancing himself so he could free his support arm.  He looked down at Tavros’s nook while he rubbed his fingers against it, arousal pulsing through him.

“Stop staring,” Tavros said, covering as much of his genitals as he could and blushing.

“You were the one who wanted to take the blindfold off,” John said, swatting his hand away.

“No, you—“

“Okay, let’s do this,” John interrupted.  He grabbed Tavros’s hand and set it on his own nook, directing his fingers to hold the entrance open.  He glanced at Tavros as he grabbed his penis and pumped it twice for good measure, and Tavros’s scandalized expression almost made him laugh.  “Are you ready?” he asked.

Tavros shot him a smoldering look and said, "Yes.”

John smirked and closed the gap between his pelvis and Tavros’s waiting entrance, guiding his dick to the target Tavros graciously held open for him.  He sighed as he pressed his tip into Tavros’s warm nook, and he heard Tavros groan.  “Good?” he asked, relocating his hand to Tavros’s hip.  Tavros nodded.  John pushed deeper, slowly and deliberately, relishing the tight heat and allowing Tavros time to adjust to his size. He watched his face for signs of discomfort. Tavros closed his eyes, and John could feel him moving to accommodate him, the metal of his thighs kissing John's skin as he adjusted the angle of his hips. The muscles in his abdomen stretched and shifted, and John, eyeing his movements with interest, found he couldn't care less that his waist didn't curve like a woman's. The way his pleasure blended with the natural benevolence of his face, his timidity melting away, made John want to reducing him to a panting, moaning mess. He slowly began to move, watching Tavros part his lips, his eyebrows lifting as though the pleasure of the simple motion caught him off guard. John slid out and back in, and Tavros stayed still while he acclimated to the feeling, each small thrust registering on his face as though John was hitting something perfect deep inside him. Growing greedier with each thrust, John sped up, snapping his hips forward faster and harder until he felt the intoxicating heat pulsing through his whole body. It took Tavros a couple seconds to meet his rhythm, but soon he was rolling his hips in time with John, murmuring and moaning quietly.

Gradually, they picked up the pace, and the sound of skin slapping against skin became more pronounced.  They groaned weak requests to each other, neither one bothering to wipe the thin film of sweat off their brows as they succumbed to the feverish heat that was surging through them.  John heard Tavros breathing grow more ragged seconds before he tightened.  He watched Tavros release a choked moan from deep in his throat, and he pounded into him frantically as he felt his own body grow taunt.  Squeezing his eyes shut, he thrust into his blinding climax, his muscles tightening, a wave of unbelievable euphoria washing through him hard but too fast to hold. He managed a few more small thrusts, trying to ride the feeling as long as he could, savoring the sensation until it faded to a satisfying fatigue. When he opened his eyes, he noticed that Tavros was trembling beneath him.

“B-bucket,” he stuttered, and John quickly reached down for the bucket and moved out of the way.  Tavros scrambled to the edge of the bed and released, his whole body twitching uncontrollably as he came.  Going limp, he fell back onto the bed.

“Well...” John said, eyeing Tavros's bronzed, sweaty body with new interest, “I’d say that was a successful talk!”

Tavros glanced at him, and he smiled.  “Shut up,” Tavros said.  He wiped his face and murmured, “...I hate you.”

John laughed and flopped back onto the bed next to him. “Whatever you say, dude.”


	11. And they lived hatefully ever after in the most inept manner possible

“Wow, look at those clouds!” Tavros said, leaning against the banister at the top of the parking garage while John prepared his bike.  The clean, crisp autumn air made the sky seem clearer than normal, and it towered above them, spotlessly blue and unimaginably distant.  Luminous mounds of cumulus clouds ringed the horizon in an unbroken band, so low and hazy that they seemed like a range of mountains miles and miles away.

John glanced over and smiled.  “Clouds are neat.”

“We don’t have clouds like that on Alternia,” Tavros said.  “Or, uh, maybe we do, but if we do, we wouldn’t see them, being mostly nocturnal.”

“Yeah, I heard the sun is crazy over there.”

“Yeah, unbelievably so,” Tavros said, “which is a shame, since I like the sky when it’s like this.  I think it’s pretty, and mostly nice to look at, even when it’s gloomy and rainy.”

John joined him at the banister.  “Well, not to brag, but I know all about this sort of thing,” he said.  “This is what I’m studying.”

“The sky?”

“Weather. You know, clouds, wind, rain, tornadoes, that sort of thing.”

“Oh, okay, so basically, stuff that’s appropriate for you,” Tavros said, nodding.

“Appropriate for me?” John asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, because only silly humans would care about studying stupid stuff like weather,” Tavros responded.

“You can make fun all you want,” John said, “but we’re the ones who know when to carry umbrellas!”

“Yeah, but that’s, um, only really important if you care about getting wet, which trolls, being not afraid of water, don’t.”

“Whatever, dude!” John said, rolling his eyes.  “Anyway, that’s not the best part about studying weather.  Meteorologists get to do all sorts of cool stuff!”

“Like telling people when to carry umbrellas?”

“No!  Like chasing tornadoes.”

Tavros made a face.  “That sounds, uh, unnecessarily dangerous, and mostly without a purpose.”

“Are you kidding?  It sounds awesome!” John said.  “You’re just too lame and boring to get it, but whatever, that’s your loss!  You’ll be jealous when you hear all the sweet adventures I have, trying to sneak scientific instruments into tornadoes like in the movie _Twister_.”

“No, I won’t, because I haven’t seen that movie, and judging by your movie tastes, it’s probably stupid anyway, meaning your aspirations are probably also stupid.”

“No way, you haven’t seen _Twister_?  Then clearly we have to watch it!  It’s definitely not at all stupid, because, fuck you, my taste in movies is awesome.  But, well, I guess I’ll spoil a little bit of it for you.  You see, there are these scientists, and they travel around chasing down tornadoes, like real-life meteorologists do all the time.  In the movie, they’re trying to put these little devices in the tornado to gather data.  It’s basically really dangerous and cool.”

“I never trust you when you say something is cool, because I think you probably don’t understand what cool means.  Dave is cool, but you’re not.”

“Dave’s not cool,” John said, laughing.  “Man, he’s got you fooled really good, doesn’t he?  He’s such a tool.”

“No, I think he’s cool,” Tavros said.

“Whatever, so does Jade.  You two can start a club!”

“No, that’s creepy, and I also think it would make Karkat angry.”

“He wouldn’t care,” John said.  “Hey, I wonder if they’ll be home today.  I bet they’d love to watch _Twister_ with us!”

Tavros grimaced.  “I don’t think that they would, and, uh, I actually think you know that they wouldn’t, even though you act like you think they would.”

“Yeah, sometimes you have to do that to get Dave to do fun things, since he can’t give up his ironic cool guy schtick unless he’s humoring someone else,” John said.  Eyeing the clouds in the distance, he grinned and turned towards Tavros.  “Okay, listen to this,” he said. “So, as a rad meteorologist, I’ll obviously get to ride around in airplanes all the time to study things like those clouds over there, which would be pretty cool in itself.  Those things are like a mile high—it’s actually really crazy.  But here’s the cool part: if I pilot an airplane, I could write things in the sky. You know, with the jet stream or whatever.  I was thinking something like ‘Dave smells like butt’ right over our house would be good, and then I could call him up and tell him to go outside to look at it.  Even he would have to give me a reluctant bro nod of approval for something like that.”

Tavros rolled his eyes.  “That—what you just said—that’s proof that you’re not cool at all.  Dave definitely would not give you any sort of bro nod for something like that.”

“No, he would,” John assured him.  “Trust me.”

“If you say so.”

John smiled, tracing the indistinct shadows and ridges of the mountain clouds with his eyes, and after a moment he began to climb the banister.  He sighed and spread his arms, imagining the breeze blowing him to the cloudy valleys in the distance, almost feeling the cool kiss of icy water on his skin.  The banister shifted slightly, and he cracked open his eyes.  To his surprise, Tavros had climbed up next to him.  He looked nervous, so, without thinking, John reached out and grabbed his hand.  Tavros glanced at him, and John smirked.  “Don’t be so scared,” he said.

“I think...” Tavros said after a moment, “I think that you’re not as bad as I think you are, maybe, and that maybe I’m not as bad as you think I am, but I still think that there are a lot of reasons to dislike you, which nobody sees except for me.  I’m the only one who knows how really awful you are, and how many flaws and weakness you have, so, uh, while everyone else is stuck believing that you’re a friendly, innocent guy, I’m going to be battling with the true you, and I’m going to prove that I’m really actually the bigger man.”

“Whoa, calm down!” John said.  “We’re having a serene moment.  Don’t ruin it with your weird fantasies.”

“It’s not a weird fantasy,” Tavros said.

“Yeah, right, because any of that stuff you just said is actually true!”

“It’s—!”

“Shhhhhhhh,” John shushed.  “Stop talking.  We're flying right now.”


End file.
